I miss houses

I sort of miss living in a house.. This is really the secondish apartment I've ever lived in.. When my parents lived in Graham Village Apartments for the whole 4 months I was living with Krystal and she lived in a house not apartment. Meh. Houses cost a lot more though. I figure once I am an LPN we'll move into a house if T decides not to go to college. I don't know though. Because I don't want to be working fulltime. The only reason I was going to work fulltime was to support T while he goes to school. But if he isn't going to school I'm only going to work like 3 days a week. If I work 2nd shift at a nursing home I should make 20 an hour, and so I'll bring home like 390 a week... Which only 50 bucks short of what T brings home now, so. Let's say T doesn't go to school and he sticks to the job he has now making 13 an hour (which this wont even be the case) I'll bring home 1560 a month (working 3 days a week as a nurse) and he'll bring home 1600 a month which is a total of 3160. We'll be back to making how much we made a month when he was at Charter and I was working at the nursing home (ok maybe thats like 200 short, but whatever). But if we move into a house it'll cost us more.

per month:
House-700
Water- 100 (i believe thats every 3 months)
elec- 120
cable- either would be free or we'd be basic plus a home phone so i'll say 90
cellphones- probably down grade to one 60
insurance prob. on two cars 240
paying back my school loans- 100
someone to mow lawn 2x a month- 80
health insurance 250 (for both of us a month)



our bills to live in a house would be 1750 a month. we'd have 1410 left over. And that's T working this 13 an hour gig and me working 3 days a week as a nurse. 1000 would go to groceries and gas and things we just flat out want cuz we'd be able to afford it. And 400 would go to savings. Probably even more would go to savings (BUT I'm trying to be realistic here and if we have enough money to spend 500 on something nice we want were gonna do it and probably more then we should bc we are young and doing well for ourselves and deserve it plus the first few months we'll be buying like 500 used washer and dryers for me and a lawn mower the next month and blah blah blah).

And we'd probably rent for 5-8 years. And if we did save *only* that 400 extra a month.. well in a year that's.. 4800.. and in 8 that's 38000 (which I'm sure T will invest part of that into something which will freak me out)... which is DEFINITELY enough for us to put down on a nice 2 story 3 bedroom 1 1/2 bath house in a decent area and only have like a 600 a month mortgage payment. The white house I lived in, in Old ham was so beautiful. It was in an average neighborhood of 1 story 2-3 bedroom houses.. and was actually the 2nd biggest house in the neighborhood (we got lucky). It was 3 bedrooms upstairs with 1 1/2 baths up there then it had a nice big kitchen with enough room for a big kitchen table (not dining room table), had a average sized living room, 1/2 bath, 1 car garage and an unfinished basement. it was also on a hill so it had a deck upstairs and the basement had a deck. It was carpeted with that nice fluffy off white carpet and the kitchen was wood floor.. the walls were really white and the door handles, light fixtures, faucets, bathtub, were all new and shiny. it had granite counters and the side by side door fridge and flat top oven and a microwave built into cabinets above the oven... Yeah.. that was the nicest fucking house we ever lived in. And my mom managed to pull of 2 years of living in that place (until she divorced Izzy and Jeff moved in and his lame ass was making 10 bucks an hour as a meter reader in Indiana... which is why we ended up in apartments) Anyway, the rent at that place was 910 a month.. and i figure.. those people had to at least be making a 100 profit off my mom.. and even if they weren't I would pay a 910 mortgage a month to live in a house that nice. If you add the 210 more a month to the above bills we'd still have 1200 left over after paying all our bills for the month. AND we'd be owning a house. Mind you this is with T only making 13 bucks an hour at insight.



But if we stay in an apartment until we are ready to own a house.. we'd have even MORE money saved up to put down on a house..



I really do think once Nursing school is over T and I are going to do just fine. By the time I'm 28 we'll be married.. probably renting a house or apartment, with 30,000 (see how i went from 38000 to 30000.. i'm being realistic.. shits gonna happen.. i could see in 8 years us blowing 8000 on shit thats happened like cars breaking down, trips to florida, buying a new used car, T investing money into something or another) saved up.. I'll be getting a baby in the oven (i'll probably be like 27 1/2 so 28 when I have it) and we'll be looking for my 3 bedroom 2 story 2 1/2 bath with an unfinished basment that i've always dreamed of. AND we'll be able to afford it all (cuz i'll get short term disability insurance the year i plan to get pregnant so the first 4 or 6 weeks i'll get paid some money while not working, and then i'll put the baby in daycare 2 of the 3 days a week I work... cuz i'll make one of the days a day where T can watch it and so daycare would be like 75 a week, so after paying our bills and that off we'd have 900 a month left over) and things would be tighter, we wouldnt really buy ourselves as much stuff but by then we'd have our own shit.. and we'd save less... but hey this scenerio is all with T working at insight for 13 an hour.. so yeah... all this may not be accurate or even turn out the way i write it but just seeing the fact that we could pull off living a nice middle class life is comforting.

I just don't want to be stuck in apartments any longer. Thats the whole reason or writing this. I'm not just crazy. I hate feeling like I have to tip toe around cuz our floor squeeks and downstairs can hear it. Or when we fuck and I hear the bed hit the wall think "maybe I should move the bed so they can't hear it".. I mean who wants to think about that crap when they are getting slammed by there Master?? I cant make a cute little garden of tomatoes or watermelons outside cuz I have no lawn. I hate hearing the bass on the peoples downstairs music. I hate hearing them yell outside or hear other peoples kids right outside my window crying. I want the space and freedom of my own house and yard. And I'm just day dreaming about how in 10 years I'm finally gonna have it because I make smart decisions and don't fuck off and party like a wild animal like most of the kids I went to school with are doing right now. Most everyone who meets me is amazed I turned out the way I did with the kinda mom I had. I'm not.


this made me all feel better :)

I'm sick of my sex life being practically nilla.

I don't even know what to do about it anymore. It's getting pretty obvious that T and I just aren't compatible sexually. From what I gather from T he just likes to fuck. Fucking is fucking, and that's it. There is really no play involved ever for him. Playing is a seperate thing, I guess. The only thing he has ever tried was belting me while I was sucking his dick. That was a big fail. The belt is something he uses as a threat for misbehavior (or would be) and I hate the feel of it on me. The edges of it will hit the sides of my back (which is the most sensitive part of my back) and it just hurts. Badly. It gives me this very negative feeling as well. And the more *not* into the pain I'm currently feeling the more it hurts. I also don't like this rubber thing he has, or any type of cain thing. I don't like the sting that all of those items give. Like small stings. Gahdajkladaddadjkl It's not easy to explain.. like that this whole area

88888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888 << imagine thats like a mark from a belt or something, now you see the 8's that are bolded? Well imagine that particular part of the hit from the belt hurt worse... that would be where it stung the most. I don't like that. I like the evenness of spanking. The whole hit is one even hard smack. No part of the smack hurt worse then any other.

Anyway, speaking of spanking. I totally don't think T understands why/how/when I like to be spanked. Like he doesn't do it often so it makes me think that he doesn't think I -really- like it THAT much. YES I do like it THAT much. It feels differen't then the other items he has tried to use. I don't like the feeling of those items, I do like the feeling of a hand smacking my ass. It's a differen't feeling. Also when we fuck I'm like "spank me" which I hate saying because it totally kills the mood and then he smacks my ass like 3 times. Thats not what I mean. I want a FULL ON spanking. I REALLY like it. I don't understand why he doesn't know this and if he does why he doesn't do it. He has only full on spanked me once and I am 100% sure I gave off no feelings of dislike. Occasionally T will just randomly smack my ass. I do not like that and it annoys me. I don't like to be spanked unless I'm really turned on. Ugh, this is so fucking frustrating to write! I'm not simple it's not a simple thing! I also don't really like when vibrators are brought into our sex. It's just like too much going on and turns me off. Now with being spanked. I'm not masochist so its not about the pain. I don't like pain. It's just hot the thought of being bent over like a naughty little slut.. and if you spank lighter to harder (and going harder would be more for you not me, since your a sadist and all..) I'm so turned on.. it doesn't hurt really. It feels good and sexy. I fucking want that more often and I've SAID THIS BEFORE. So I'm sure nothing will change. The more I type the more fucking pissed off I get. I should not have to write this. T fucking knows what I like when I asked him he fucking named everything off and yet he STILL is doing none of it. I like being called names. He calls me like 2 names and thats it. NOT ENOUGH I WANT TO BE CALLED BAD NAUGHTY NAMES WHILE BEING FUCKED WITH MY HAIR PULLED MY NIPPLES BEING TWISTED MY ASS BEING SPANKED MY FACE BEING SMACKED COME ONNNNNNNNNNNN WE ARE SUPPOSE TO BE IN A KINKY RELATIONSHIP I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO BE WRITING HOW TO SPICE OUR RELATIONSHIP UP WHAT THE FUCK. GRAB MY ARMS AND THROW ME DOWN DON'T BE AFRAID TO BRUISE MY ARMS UP, CHOKE ME WITH YOUR COCK, STEP ON ME, MAKE ME CRY, SCRATCH ME, YELL AT ME, MAKE ME SAY DEGRADING THINGS, MAKE ME DO DEGRADING THINGS, HUMILIATE ME, USE ME, SMACK MY FACE, SPIT ON ME, CUM IN MY HAIR, CHOKE ME, I DONT EVEN CARE HOW FAR YOU GO ANYMORE JUST DO SOMETHING TO MAKE ME FEEL LIKE YOU FUCKING WANT ME AND ARE TURNED ON BY ME FOR ONCE. There is more then just hitting me with your belt! It's like.. ever since you found out I can't handle being hit with your belt.. you've ripped everything kinky we could possibly do out of our sex life. Do you not like doing ANYTHING that I just listed off asking you to do? Cuz... if not... maybe you're just not THAT kinky then?

Yeah that last bit was pretty much me challenging you.

Annoyed like usual.

I'm so sick of my mom borrowing money from me all the time. Especially when I have no money and she guilts me into helping her out by promising the money back by the next Friday. So I get to short myself because she can't manage money better. I use to think she was good at managing money (the little she had, seemed to go pretty far) but now I fucking wonder. She prepaid her Apartment off until May I believe... She has a EBT card with 400 dollars for food.. she gets a SS check for 600.... and her husbands been doing bullshit work for people.. so why the fuck doesn't she have any money ever? She has this stupid prepaid phone that is a RIP OFF... 20 dollars for 200 minutes? What the fuck? She spends like 100 a month on that stupid thing, she may as well get a real phone. She'd be spending less money and get more minutes. It's fucking annoying. She is getting a substantial amount of money and giving me enough to buy a car. She wouldn't say she was and not do it so I'd really like if people ESPECIALLY T would stop telling me she isn't actually going to get me a car. You don't know my mom so don't act like you do, it's fucking annoying. I don't pretend to know your parent's and tell you that you're wrong when you talk about them do I? Okay then keep your fucking opinions about whether she is going to get me a car to yourself, especially if you know that your opinion isn't going to help it's just going to make the situation worse for me. Do you enjoy putting me down and making me fucking worry about shit? no? okay then shut the fuck up. THANKS A BUNCH.


Besides that the stupid nursing college is sending all my stuff to Florida because they are idiots and are using my old app. with my old address. An app that they said they no longer had, butttt obviously they do. So knowing whether I am accepted or not is going to get delayed of course and for all I know I'll get accepted to the April program right after I go spend 510 dollars on this medication aide class that I want to take. Fucking typical life for me.

I'm also fucking going INSANE sitting in this tiny boring apartment. I've been doing it 5 days a week for oh 6 months now. IT'S BORING AND IT PISSES ME OFF. I WANT A MOTHER FUCKING CAR I WANT MY MOTHER FUCKING LICENCE SO I CAN GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS APARTMENT ONCE AND AWHILE BUT NO ONE GIVES A SHIT ENOUGH ABOUT HOW I FEEL TO TEACH ME HOW TO DRIVE SO I COULD AT LEAST TAKE THE CAR WITH ME WHILE THEY ARE AT WORK COUGH COUGH BUT WHAT THE FUCK EVER WHO CARES IF I HAVE TO SIT IN THIS BORING ASS APARTMENT FOR ANOTHER 6 MONTHS BEFORE I GET A CAR. 6 months in this apartment, yeah you can fucking run out of shit to do.

I love my life right, but I really fucking hate it THE MAJORITY of the time too. I want to be in school. I want to get the fuck out of this apartment. I want a job that I actually like and don't feel an enormous amount of guilt at. I want a car so when school is out I don't have to walk a mile plus home. So when we fucking need something at the god damn store I can actually enjoy browsing the isles by myself just happy to be out of the fucking apartment instead of being rushed by T who wants nothing more to be in the apartment. So when I just want to leave and go to the park, I can go to the fucking park. I HATE not being able to call up a friend and just be like "hey lets meet up at the mall and hang out".. ohhhhh no I have to ask them to come get me and then I have to pay them for coming all the way out to where i live to get me and for them taking me home. I have to rely (and be late) on useless friends to take to appointments.

Fuck that. FUCK everything right now. I'm going to go take a shower and look nice because I'm THAT fucking bored not because I have somewhere to go CUZ I DON'T. I'LL PROBABLY JUST GO SIT OUTSIDE SO I DON'T HAVE TO BE INSIDE THIS APARTMENT ANYMORE.

FUCK WESTERN UNION I'VE BEEN ON HOLD FOR AN HOUR ALREADY

So I got my bed thing.. FINALLY. bwahaha. Anyway. I've been stressing about money but im trying not to because we aren't in the negative.. I'm not in debt.. we just don't have a ton of it, but who at the ages of 18 and 23 does? I know this, yet I still stress. I'm just really scared that I'm going to end up like my mom even though already I've done more with my life then she has (although she has gotten her cna, but I'm on my way to my CMT and plus i graduated highschool and have taken college classes so i've beat her lol)..


Anyway our bed looks nice but I AM getting a comforter.. and probably new drapes or whatever you call them (so it'll match dddduuh).. I have been eyeing some of the comforters for weeks now and I am going to get one tonight, I think. I calculated the moneys and although its not the best time to buy it we are good. Birth control deducted their money 2 weeks ago and I didn't notice so we have a whole 120.00 more then i thought. and i wanna spend it, plus my mom owes me 80... and I'm getting either 1 more check or 1 and 1/2 more checks. I'm not sure lol I'm pretty sure it's just 1. I think I set my last day there to be like that anyway.

I am planning on taking a medication aide class next month. they still have open enrollment but they were kind of rude.. "call back when you have insurance" click. SERIOUSLY. i didnt want to pay all the things im about to pay for before checking if i could still get into the class.. damn.. lol but i got to get malpractice insurance which is 50 bucks, my hs report card which is 2, a letter from the board of nursing saying im a cna (which im sure costs money), and a signature from an employer verifying that i have worked as an aide for the last 6 months (free!!).


galen still hasnt gotten back as to whether i passed the test to get into school. probably wont be april anyway, which is why im taking this other class in the mean time. but if i do get in for april then i wont be taking this class. im pretty sure im going to have to wait until july though.

so yeah. what else. working as a cmt will probably bump my pay up to about 12.00 an hour. and if i stick to 3rd shift and weekends i can make about 14.00 an hour. but cmt jobs are harder to come by.. but right now on career builder two NICE nursing homes are looking for about a total of 5 CMTs. So I know I can find a job. And I mean.. CMTs CAN do okay.. last year a cmt at my work.. she worked monday-friday first shift (no shift diff. at all for that schedule) and all she did was pass meds to patients who 100% took care of themselves and she made 30,000 that year. no.. that isn't a lot.. but for that easy of a job, that normal of a schedule.. that's not bad if you live on your own.

plus i am worried about how i quit my job, i was like i need to leave. and the supervisor gave me the option go or stay pretty much. she told the other aide who left it was patient abandonment and she was going to be a do not rehire (plus she could get into legal trouble, so could i.. unlikely though even though i am worried about it).. she didn't say anything directly to me about patient abandonment even though it would technically apply for me, i don't believe she said it to me, and the other cna was just like bye and left and the supervisor could see i was struggling with the decision for a minute and technically gave me the option. and misty the nurse was in the room as well so im sure that misty will agree with whatever the supervisor says happened over me anyway. but if they don't go to kbn which im sure they wont i'll be okay. people have walked out and gotten a job at a different place before. i got to stop thinking I'm always the unlucky one who is going to get double screwed. im just not that special/important lol. so yeah. hat place will get bought out by another company in 5 years anyway and i can go right back there to working lol oh wells im gonna miss my patients.. im pretty sure i can visit them though...i wasn't fired.. i quit.. so idk why i wouldnt be allowed back on the premises.. idk we'll see

so yup im going to go straighten up, shower and wait for my sexxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxy man to get home so i can get him to take me out to spend some monay.

PLUS IM HUNGRY ALL I'VE HAD IS WAFFLE HOUSE TODAY!

fool.

You know I sort of feel like a fool. I feel like I'm putting myself in a really stupid bad situation sometimes. Two weeks ago T and I had a huge argument... okay, maybe we've had worse, but it was the most damaging. I'm still hurt by it of course, not to the point where I want to go cry over it or anything but yeah. The gist of it is, is T betrayed my trust, lied to me, and then got mad at me for snooping around his things. Which shit, if I felt like I could trust him and that he wouldn't lie to me anymore, I probably wouldn't be snooping around his shit in the first place. I didn't use to till the first time I found him talking to his exes. Now maybe you personally don't see any issue with your significant other talking to their exes.. and that's good for you. But I don't see it the same way, and I expressed this to T and asked him not to talk to them. And he said he wouldn't, and then he did anyway. So it goes beyond just "so what if he talked to his ex?" like some people get stuck on. It's not about that. It's about the fact that he flat out disrespected me and disregarded my feelings. And then lied about it. And then got mad at me about it. That's what's taking a really, really long time to get over. And the fact that in one of his texts he wrote the 5 stages of grievance: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. It really fucked me up when did that one, which is I guess what he was going for. I just couldn't understand why he was doing this to me. Why wasn't he begging for my forgivness for being such a hurtful asshole? Why was he going out of his way to upset me and make me cry? And then I said I was done. And he not only was fine with that he told me he was packing my shit and to call my mom for a plane ticket. What the hell? So yeah, I'm over all that mess almost. Just the fact when I was breaking it off with him how he reacted. And to put myself in a position to just be able to be thrown out like that is really stupid of me. It's like I don't have a stable place to live. Like, at the moment yes but in the long run, who knows? It's stupid for me to put myself in a shitty position where I can find myself back living with Lisa or having to move to another state because my boyfriend is kicking me out of his place. Because we don't live in our place or my place. We live in his place. And the fact that he said he was 'packing my shit' and that I needed to call my mom... just wow. If he is willing to say that to me once, he'll say it again, and who knows when he'll actually do it, and I'm dumb to think he wouldn't. So I don't know. I really need to think about stuff, maybe start up my own little savings account. I just don't feel like I have any money really anyway to save. Like yeah working Baylor if we split the bills right down the middle and kept track of who spent what instead of paying everything together I'm sure I'd have a small savings by now (if I even thought to save when I first moved into his place) but this isn't the case. And now that I wont be working near enough to even claim half of the bills. I really just have no money at all to save anyway. I don't even have the right to save a dollar really, it's not mine anyway. So I don't know. I also need him for school and he needs me for it as well. So, who knows if the decisions I'm making right now are going to turn out to be total fucking stupid decisions or if I'll have my fairy tale ending that I dream about in my head. Live and learn, I guess. So.. here goes.

I am really dreading this weekend. It's suppose to be my last weekend working my 12 hour Baylor shift. I know this should be a happy weekend because it's my last, but it's going to be miserable. And not because I'm sad to go, oh no! BECAUSE it's going to be a never fucking ending weekend. I already know it. This is the weekend I like the least (certain people who work every other weekend, yeah this is their weekend to work). I really do regret taking the CNA class in high school. I've been doing this type of work for a year and 8 months and I'm already way past burnt out. I've been burnt out the last 6 months. I love taking care of people, but I just can't do it as a CNA title anymore. I just can't. Kentucky has no laws on how much staff is required for patient care, and nursing homes are businesses... So of course they are going to staff as little as they can get away with. I also can't stand being on the bottom of the nursing chain. I'm not respected in my position, I'm either belittled by nurses or they are giving to much credit to certain aides and their ability to their job with out any type of supervision. And then work isn't done. Which just makes it harder for anyone that is trying to do their job the best that they can. My voice, if I bother to speak up about anything, goes unheard or I make myself liable for something (whether I actually had involvement in it or not, just for speaking up can get you into shit). It's ridiculous. And I've worked with plenty of other aides, good and bad, and they all say nursing homes are pretty much equally crappy. I believe it's the lack of laws for nursing homes in Kentucky, honestly. Most really good nursing homes have little turnover. Good nursing homes weed out bad staff fast and rehire fast, and then good nurses and aides working at a good place, DO NOT LEAVE. So it's a challenge to work at a really good nursing home. Blah. God I feel like crying right now. That's how badly I do not want to go to work these next two days. I hate literally breaking my back for patients who should be.. dead. I mean, they really should. The medicines they are on aren't HELPING they aren't even MAINTAINING quality of life.. they are just slowing down the decline.. and I mean, when someones declining to the point where they can no longer maintain or improve, put them on hospice and let them go with dignity, ya know? All these medicines do is keep them alive to the point where they are mush full of bed sores laying in a bed with a feeding tub. It's fucking sad. Health care just needs to change. The goal should not be make someone live forever and ever and ever and ever. It should be help someone maintain/improve their quality of life until they can't. And then ease and comfort them in their decline and let them go in peace. I don't understand who or how anyone can disagree with that! Apparently enough people do, though. Or there wouldn't be patients like some of the ones that I have. I know it's complicated, I mean, what is quality of life anyway? Everyone has their own special definition. Eh, if -you- have the money to make yourself live forever and ever and ever, then by god, live forever. I don't care. But I personally don't think my tax dollars should be spent on keeping a 97 year old bed ridden Alzheimer's patient with a feeding tube alive just because his wife doesn't want to accept or doesn't have the education to understand that he is never going to improve and put him on hospice. Just my opinion.

Back to what I was talking about, my job. I just need to be done working as a CNA. Unless it's a third shift gig where I'm sitting in a chair in the middle of the hall 60% of the night waiting for someone to press their call light for me to fill up their ice cup. I know it sounds lazy and terrible, but I just can't keep doing what I do anymore. It breaks my heart, it breaks my back (literally), and I just need to go to school and be a nurse already! I really do resent my mom, a lot, especially right now. If it wasn't for her sucking money out of me my senior year, I could have had a car and I could be more then half way done with earning my LPN. It makes me sick and want to cry thinking about that. That's where I should be right now. T seriously is heaven sent. If it wasn't for him I'd still be living with Lisa. And assuming I was paying her 600 a month still, and saving the other 500 I'd have left over (I'm taking 100 because I sort of need things like food, smokes, gas money to pay friends when they drive all the way out to where she lives to get me/hang out with me) I'd only have... 2500 saved. Hardly enough to buy a car (and have money left over for when the over priced used piece of shit car breaks down). I'd still have about 5 more months of saving. So August. That would be the month I'd finally get a car. And it would be too late to apply for school starting in October. So I'd have to wait till January. And then instead of the one year LPN class, I'd be taking the 21 month one because I'll need to work more and save more money. GAH. Does that not sound like a HORRIBLE situation? Maybe for some that would be an amazing situation compared to what they may currently be in.. but that was the nightmare situation I was facing before I moved in with T. Now that I live with T. I can go to school (most likely starting in July) and if it gets too tough, I can just not work. Because T will be there for me and support me. And when my schooling is done, I can return the favor. Honestly, if we didn't have eachother... finishing school wouldn't be as close in our future as it is now.


My period started finally. I feel bloated and crabby because of it too. And my shoulders and back ache. I don't care if it's from the bed, from sharing a bed, from my pillow. I DON'T CARE what or how I'm being hurt in my sleep but it NEEDS to stop. I'm restless because of it. I don't sleep well, I don't want to move or do anything during the day because it friggen hurts, and it just puts me in a really terrible mood. I want to cry right now because of it (and my job, and the fact that I'm on my period). I've been dealing with this shoulder/neck/back pain/hip pain since I've moved in and started sleeping in bed with T. I usually ignore it, or it goes away for a while (I wish I could figure out why), or I deal with it, or I break and flip out about it... and I'm coming back to the breaking and flipping out part of this cycle. I just want to feel normal. I want to sleep and wake up and feel rested and not be achey or sore. I know, I KNOW this can't be a normal feeling. It just can't be.

Well I need to go straighten up, try not to be miserable, shower.. and then T should be home and I'm going to try and be happy as possible with him even though I feel like crying about my job, my shoulders, my neck, my hip, AND my period right now.
marie

Fuck!

I'm not even going to get into how PNC FUCKED US up the ASS with no lube. The short of it is ONE item over drafted, but we ended up with 10 overdraft fees. In their fucked up world on how that shit works, it technically makes sense. But in my world one overdrafted item= 1 fee. Not 10. Hopefully T gets this straightened up on his lunch break today. We are hoping to at least cut the fees in half to 5. We are willing to pay 5 of them, which would total to 180.00 dollars. But since my check is pending (auto-deposit that I now regret doing, and realize why I didn't really want to do it anyway) it ate my whole check. The whole thing. I worked my ass off for 3 really LONG tiring over worked days... just so PNC could eat it... I'm fucking pissed. T wants me to call the payroll lady and have the check not go through, since it is still pending. Shitty thing is... I can't get ahold of her! And no matter how many times I tell T this he just repeats himself over and over and over and over and over and over. I pretty much hung up on him this morning. People who constantly repeat themselves drive me insane. I'm not stupid, I know what you said, did I say or do anything that made you think I needed to here your mini-speach all over again? Gah! I love his voice but not THAT much. Anyway he was telling me I need to talk to this person and that and lalala. He doesn't get where I work. Where I work.. Regis Woods.. DOESN'T PAY ME. The company that OWNS Regis Woods does. I can talk to a, b, c, d, e, f & g and they'll all tell me that I need to talk to Ms. DG who I can't get ahold of! And even when I do, I can practicaly hear what she is going to say. She'll have to get back to me, she doesn't know anything about that. She told me when I turned in my deposit slip she doesn't actually handle all the account type stuff. Its all sent off to corporate. All she does is get peoples punch in error slips straight, makes sure all forms neccessary are filled out and has everything organized and ready for corporate to handle it all. She'll tell me she has to call someone, she can't get ahold of them, there is nothing they can do at this point. I'm not stupid, I know how where I work is. But I'll keep trying to get ahold of her, so whatever.

Crazy?

I'm SUPPOSE to start my period today, but this stupid birth control makes me play the guessing game more then... well.. not being on birth control. Lol. Anyway! T's working till 9pm :( I'm sad. I miss him! And I want some sex... some AMAZZZZZING sex.. I mean, we've been having good sex.. But I want amazzzzzing sex... I guess I mean I want MORE then just sex. I want dirty, nasty, yummy sex. Argggggggh and I'm not going to get it tonight! T will be too tired, fuck. I probably really won't get it till waay next week when I finally have a saturday off and T and I have the whole day together.

I think the issue with the constant feeling of not being used enough and blahdeblah is T doesn't know what I want. Like he does... but okay? He knows and doesn't do it.. so now what.. it's frustrating.. He pretty much told me everything I like.. first he is like.. you like this.. wait no you don't.. oh yeah you do.. so I guess there is some confusion but it's not like he couldnt TRY something and see how I react? Hello dominant?? (yeah I'm getting mouthy I'm friggen horny and alone and not gettin shit tonight thanks to his stupid job keeping him late.. plus this blog is for my bitching, so I don't bitch at T mmmkay I'm bad at expressing myself) It's not like he hasn't done what I like before.. god damn... did I act freaked out like I didn't want it? Noooo.. so do it fucking again, helllooooo??? But I'm thinking it's not REALLY something he needs to get off.. so screw me I guess... Eh.. I know that isn't exactly how T feels but christ right now I'm horny and I know I'm going to get stuck sucking dick and thats it tonight. I should be *happy* to please him.. and I AM! But I'M HORNY GAAAAAAAAAHHHH. I want dirty nasty slutty hardcore sex and I fucking want it now!!!!!! I don't want to just bend over and wam bam we're done do some fucking shit to meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee already!




ANYWHO. I've now annoyed myself. 1 more hour till T is home. One more one more one more... I'm thinking about doing a quick straightening up and shower.. should kill the hour and 36 minutes I have till he is home.

marie

Argh, Waterrr!

I don't understand why T can't fill the water pitcher back up when it empties. LALALALA. Little things like that drive me nuts! Lol. I'm not mad about it or anything, but it's just nice to do... like putting the toliot paper on the roll thing when it's out. T doesn't do that either!

One of the nurses I work with never fills her water pitcher back up. Most of the patients have to take their medicines crushed in apple sauce and she gives them a cup of water with it. Well when her pitcher runs out of water, she just gives them their med's with out the water. It just seems mean, like that's gross.. warm apple sauce thats sat on her cart all day and meds.. and no water?? I've filled it up a few times. rawr. ts home bye lol

Whee!

You wanna know my FAVORITE part about picking through mixed dirty and clean laundry? Having to sniff T's underwear to see which ones are dirty or not (provided they don't have any fart stains). Joy, joy, joy!

Oh how I love him


Marie

IS YOUR DOM ABUSIVE?

I'm bored. and I've been reading random sites for submissives. Kinda like T's version of slate but just for submissives, I guess. And I'm reading currently about if my Doms abusive!! Lol. So I didn't feel like just reading all the questions so I'm going to read and answer them here :O. Lets see if I'm being abused! :)


Does he reject your right to decide if you'll use birth control? no
Does he reject your right to decide whether to work at a paid job? no but don't some submissives let their Doms choose whether they work? Idk why that would be a sign of abuse
Does he refuse to let you spend time alone? no i get too much time alone i think lol
Is he upset you have other friends? no but he doesnt some of dem
Is he displeased at your accomplishments and ambitions? no lol
Does he have trouble accepting the fact that women can and should be wise, worldly, confident, strong, decisive and independent as men? no
Does he refuse to talk and listen? he talks a lot a alot a lot and he listens to me
Does he hide from you the fact that his feelings are hurt? no
Does he think its bad for men to show they are weak or vulnerable and to cry sometimes - aside from after he has abused you? no? lol
Is he unable to express affection aside from the times he's sorry for abusing you and when he wants, or you are having sex? he gives me lots of affection
Are there some special traits about women's ability to express emotions, willingness to be vulnerable, that he admires ? idk??
Does he dislike or degrade his mother or sister? no sista and he doesnt like his momma
Does he lack good friends? he doesnt have a lot of friends but im pretty sure the reasons are 1.) if he is single he isnt concerned about having friends, hes lookin for a girl and obv. those generally dont end in friendship 2.) he is with me or at work a lot and i dont see him wanting to go out and make a bunch of friends on his only days off a week 3.) he isnt from here so he doesnt have like friends from hs or anything
Does he lack interests besides you? no he needs to be interested in me moreeeee sometimes
When angry, does he break or throw things? no
Does he lose his temper over small things, especially when he doesn't perform as well as he would like? performing not well at things pisses him off yeah
Does he ask you about other men in your past life? no lol but there isnt noneeeeee
does he want to know where you have been when you have been out? not really he knows because i tell him almost my day to day everything but he isnt like who what where when why ever
Does he believe husbands should make the important decisions? idk?
Does he reject your opinion? no
Does he think there are any circumstances in which it is okay for a man to hit a woman? yeah, like punishments
Is he jealous of your friends or relatives? no lolol
Does he think you are with another man when you are not home when he calls? no
Does he think men should earn more than women in the same job? no i think he thinks that people who do better should be paid more
Does he especially want baby boys and associates fathering boys with masculinity? idk??? i want boys does that mean something?
Does he think you have enough education even though you want to go to school? no
Does he get angry if meals are late, or food isn't just right? no
Does he take over when you are having trouble doing something whether you want to or not? no
When he is hurt, does he act angry instead? no
Does he silently sulk when angry? idk i suppose sometimes since he doesnt always let me know his feelings
Does he ridicule you for being stupid, or for characteristics that are typical of women? um i know he knows i have my dumb moments
Do you like yourself less than usual when you have been with him? no
Has he spent time in jail? no
Was he abused as a child? yeah.
Does he sometimes put you on a pedestal, saying he doesn't deserve you? no
Are there some qualities you especially like about yourself that he disapproves of or ridicules? no
When you have acted independently, has he called you a "woman libber" or "dyke"? no
Has he been in fist fights or hit other women he's been involved with? idk consentually, im sure... idk other wise
Has he ignored your feelings? he has before yeah
Has he continually criticized you, called you names, or shouted at you? mmmmyeah he calls his slut and whore mmmmm
Has he ridiculed or insulted your religion, race, heritage, or class? no
Has he withheld approval, appreciation, or affection as punishment? no
Does he insult your friends and family? friends and family, sometimes but he knows what they like sooo yaaaaah
Does he humiliate you in private or public? in private yes ;) public no
Does he refuse to socialize with you? no
Does he try to keep you from working? i wish he would i hate my job lol but i love my patients and taking care of them
Does he try to control your money? omg yesssssss
Does he try to make all the decisions? not ALL of them
Does he make excuses for not working? no
Is it all right to spend your money but not his? no i spend his monaaaay.
Does his punishment of children seem excessive? ive never seen him punish a kid but hes pretty level headed about shit like that
Does he tell you about past affairs? whats that mean? like past things he has done? or like past cheating? cuz he USE to talk about things he has done in the past that i personally wouldnt share with others and ive talked to people about it and they say they wouldnt either because personal things you do with other people are suppose to be between you and that person.. but i think hes figured out i dont really care about what hes done and sort of disapprove of his actions when it comes to relationships and how quickly he does things which sorta of makes me feel like he doesn't value parts of relationships cuz he gets to them and moves on from them so fast. idk he knows to keep his dirty thoughts about exs and things he has done to himself now.
Is he abusive to pets? no
Does he tell anti-woman jokes or make demeaning remarks about women? no
Does he treat women as sex objects? mmmm sometimes he treats me that way ;) not nearly enough though
Does he get jealous and assume you would have sex with anyone? no
Has he publicly shown sexual interest in other women? no
Does he call you names like "whore" or "frigid"? yes he calls me a whore a lotttttttt
Has he had affairs after agreeing to a monogamous relationship? no
Does he assume the right to control how you live and behave? mostly
Do you rehearse what you will say so as not to make him angry? i rehearse everything im going to say to everyone just because im a planner and like to plan things out
Does he bewilder you by switching from charm to rage without warning? no
Do you often feel confused, off balance or inadequate with him? no
Does he blame you for everything that goes wrong? no
Do you fear his reactions? no




so I think you're suppose to say No to all of these. Which I oviously said yes to some... lol but some don't make sense to say no to if you're in a D/s relationship... helllooo... ??? Anyway. I think it's safe to say that I'm not in a horrible bad abusive relationship!

YAY!!!!

lol ok. im going to go shower now.

aggravated and horny

LIKE USUAL, SO WHATEVER.

So T thinks I'm self-centered. And it use to bother me, but I'm starting to really not care (hah, I guess it's the self-centeredness of me showing itself). Like this morning he basically said that I only care about my own feelings and think about myself and don't care about his feelings. You know, I'd care about you feelings if you'd actually let me know what they are. When I'm mad I like to vent or be left alone. And you know what, that's exactly what T likes too, whether he realizes it or not. I always listen to what he has to say, and no he doesn't get a lot of time alone when I'm home with him (shit we get like 4 hours a day together where we aren't tired as fuck, of course I want to spend that time with him) and usually when he rushes me to bed and on his weekends he gets to be alone because I'm at work. And plus, he doesn't let me know when he is upset a lot of the time (unless he is bitching about it) and when I ask if something is wrong it's always "eh nothing" and I usually do push and I get the same response. So what the fuck am I suppose to do? He has told me many times he isn't a mind reader, and aha neither am I. If you want me to do something sweet and special for you because you're upset well let me know you're upset once and awhile. And what am I suppose to do for you anyway. I can't go anywhere and get you anything. I can't surprise you with something I know you like, like starbucks. I clean? And you don't care. I cook, and it's expected..... ummmm I give head way more then I get laid so what the fuck? I listen when you vent and when you put yourself down I tell you it isn't true cuz its not, I always cuddle. You never ask for backrubs and when you do I give them. I wash you down in the shower like 90% of the time when I get in there. All day my day is T T T T T T T T T T. I make sure the apartment doesn't look like shit, I make you something to eat, I kiss you and cuddle with you and ask you how your day was and I bring you something to drink if you ask, I bring you your food, when we go grocery shopping I always buy things you say you like, I count down and wait all day for you to be home, at work I try and text you and call you all day to talk to you. Holy shit my life revolves around T. But wait.. I'm self-centered aren't I? Yeah fuck you for saying that. The only thing you have is the fact that I refuse and bitch about giving head. Because I'm sorry but when I'm all over you stripping you down sucking you to get you hard SO YOU CAN FUCK ME.. and you just lay there like a lazy fucking asshole and do nothing for me the whole time it gets lame. A lot of the time when I suck your dick its to get you hard so you can fuck me, not because I just want dick in my mouth, I already get it shoved in my mouth enough with out having to initiate that myself so what the fuck. And our sex gets sort of boring. I always say do more do what you want but if you did what you really wanted you'd get off of me and lay the fuck down and shove my head in your crotch, so whaaaaaat the hell ever. You don't really want to fuck me you're not sexually attracted to me and thats not changing obviously. so lets bring someone else in so I can have the boring sex and he can have fun with her. GOOD FUCKING IDEA.

I had a crazy dream last night.

T and I were at his dads house (they don't live in a house for starters lol) and I went across the street to get a basketball (why???) and some of the people over there (I don't know who they are) and they pissed off 394314891 bees so I ran in their house and was trying to call T to help me and he didn't answer. So I run over and get in his car and he gets in and I tell him whats going on.... so his dad comes out and takes a hose and kills all the bees.. so T feels the need to put the windows down..and I flip out because I still see bees.. and T ignores me (idk why??) and takes the keys out of the car (and the windows are down) and goes inside his dads house. And I've never really met any of them so I didn't want to walk inside so as he is walking back inside I scream "FUCK YOU!!!" and he doesn't notice so I go inside and start looking around and eat chocolate covered pretzels... and thats it? Lol I know, wow.

Bad mood. Trying to recover from it.

T generally lets me do what I want with almost everything that has to do with our lives. I've been thinking about that deeply and have gone through a roller coaster of emotions about it. Is that bad? Good? Does that mean he trusts me enough to know whats best for us? Does this make me controlling? Does he want to control this? And me at all besides sexually? Should I just go about how I do things and trust that if T wants it done differently that he is actually going to tell me he is? Because a lot of the time I feel like he just lets me do whatever because it's easier. That nothing actually goes his way. I don't even feel like he has his own sort of way of doing anything, does this make sense? Is it understandable for me, someone who is making an effort to be someone elses submissive, would be bothered and upset about this? That although the way things are working out now are working out generally well, but I am still unhappy about the situation because I had made every single decision on how everything was going to get done? Does this make sense? I don't even know what to do. T can tell me "you started this, you came up with the idea, you're controlling it all, for me" but is it really for him? Because a lot of things we do or don't seem to be for me, not him. And it's just upsetting me and bothering me a lot. I don't feel like this is a true BDSM relationship if that's the way this really is. It's like a mock BDSM relationship, like we are really vanillas who want kinky sex stuff so we try and pretend like our everyday life is also BDSM. With thinking about all that I also wrote T this. I just need to figure out what T fucking wants.





Dear T,

I’ve written you several letters today. Some I was crying while writing, some I was pissed, some I was trying to act understanding, some I listed things that I feel aren’t up to par at the moment. Some I made threats in, some I made deals in, some I gave up in. I’ve been having bad anxiety today because I fear for our future. This is why I am writing this as my last and final draft, it’s clear, understandable, and not irrational.

I recently went through Outlook and simplified everything. I pushed everything to the weekends (whether it’s due date was during the week or not), and unless it’s “you’re going to die on Tuesday” everything that needs to be done, regardless of its actual due date, will be put on a Saturday or a Sunday. The only things that should be found during the week is when rent is due, when money is routinely hitting our account, appointments and trash. I did this because after your 10 hour day you coming home, looking at Outlook and running back out to do the things you need to do that day is unrealistic and I need to let that go because it’s unfair. I know you’ve known this is unfair which is why you simply haven’t been doing it, and it is really upsetting that you didn’t take control of that and tell me to change it to something that would suit you better. That I had to get upset and worry until I figured out a solution myself, even though you apparently already had one.

Honestly, I know that Outlook and the lists are primarily for me. It’s actually upsetting when I think about that, which is why although Outlook has been working out decently, I’m still upset with the situation. I am supposed to be you’re submissive, yet you’re still changing how you would typically do things to accommodate me, not yourself. On the other hand as my Dominant I feel that you should be also providing what I need to be able to focus on you and be a submissive. Am I wrong in this statement? And one thing I very badly need is some type of routine or system as to how we handle things we need to do in our lives, so that I am focusing on you and not stressing about things that you are suppose to be handling. Which is why I was ecstatic when you came up with Outlook, and greatly disappointed when you would write things down and never do them or just forget something altogether. So I took it upon myself (which also upsets me) to write them for you and recently and finally figured out where to put them to ensure that you’ll be able to see it and get it done. This upsets me because I’m controlling things. I don’t want to. If you were to tell me I needed to do this for you, it would be different. But instead, you let me do whatever, and I’m reminded that this is all for me and you just don’t really care.

I’m a very simple person, I think at least. Our lives would be wonderful if I could just be your submissive and nothing more. Clean, cook, track Outlook and the lists… do my school work and go to my job twice a week. And you working full time, tracking you own school... Would just know and do the things you needed to in Outlook and have them done without me ever having to worry or think about whether you actually did it or if you will do it. Life would be just fine. But that’s what *I* want. That’s not what my MASTER wants. That’s what makes it imperfect and unsatisfying. It’s all for me, nothing for you. And I don’t know what to do about it.

Get rid of Outlook? The lists? Just hope that you’ll remember to get my IPOD out of the pawn shop or take me to Kroger to get the money from Western Union? I mean, writing it down in Outlook isn’t making you do it anymore then just hoping you do it, right? But I shouldn’t hope. In theory I should just forget about my IPOD and about the 250 dollars waiting for us. And if you NEVER take care of those things, as you’re submissive, I should accept that. Or should I remind you? And how many times, once or twice? Three times? When will that start to feel like I’m a nagging girlfriend?

Do you see my problem?

Sunday is our 6 months. That makes me smile, a lotttttt.

Alright soooo soo so... sooooooooooo0o0o0o0o0o.. o0o0o0o0o0o.. I have things to talk about, but I'm not sure if I want to talk about them yet. I don't know if I know what my *real* feelings on all the subjects are. I don't know if my feelings *now* on the subjects are my real feelings, or if my possessive/controlling/obsessive/etcetc natural first responses to the subjects are my true feelings. Does that make sense? Lol. I'm still thinking and analyzing all the possible situations that could be outcomes from the subjects that I don't want to talk about and am still deciding how horrible/not they may be. BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. I'm going to go drink a lot of coffee so I can concentrate on studying (did you know caffeine for ADHD sufferers works like Ritalin or Concetta, yes sirrrrrr it's true) I don't even know why I drink coffee in the morning. It doesn't wake me up. I can drink it and go straight to bed, I guess it's just a smell good warm thing that my mommy drank in the morning so I've always done the same lol.

marrrrrie

Well.

So I read this article on WebMD.com: http://www.oprah.com/article/omagazine/omag_200610_fight/1

and it's about a husband and a wife. The husband said he would do the dishes.. but after doing his and his wifes taxes and cleaning the basement he went to sleep instead of doing the dishes. Mia, his wife, was more or less pissed and started bitching about it. The point of the article was to teach people how to argue.. better. You know.. calm down.. talk.. listen.. etc. This article honestly just annoyed me. All the husband really did in the end was camly explain all that he did the night before as an excuse as to why he didn't do the dishes, and then listened to his wife list out everything that she has to do in her daily life and he acted sympathetic (like he didn't know before she said it all the things she had to do???). And that was suppose to make it all better? It seems more like he tricked his wife into thinking everything was just fine and that he totally understood how hard her life was.. well.. thats really nice but, um, the dishes still aren't done! Maybe I'm just focusing on the wrong part of the article.. but personally... if he wasn't going to do the dishes when he told his wife he would. He should have called and told her he wasn't going to and tell her when he was going to (he should obviously know his wife coming home to dirty dishes when he said he would do them would upset her, unless he is just a total tool), and she probably would have been understanding, maybe even had done them herself, and the fight wouldn't even have happened in the first place. I don't know. When people say they are going to do something, it just makes me really mad (plus I think I really need a smoke I left them in T's car) when people don't follow through or at least let you know they aren't going to do it when they do it. Maybe I'm being a hypocrite? I don't really think that I am. I generally do try and do what I say I am unless someone doesn't do as they promised me, and then I'm like screw it. I'm sure that's not that best way to look at things, and I'm trying not to be like that as much. Anyway, I guess his tips on how to argue better were good, but the situation wasn't. Just thinking.

Marie

I'm so horny

I don't know why but I just need a COCK inside me fucking me harder then I really even want to be fucked..... mmmmmmm... I just got done using my vibrator TWICE and I'm still horny as fuck. I really really just want T to take me, hard.

I put a tampon in this morning after I put the Nuvaring in and hopefully it'll soak up everything that's left and the Nuvaring will stop the blood from coming out. It better by tonight or else. Or else what? I don't even know lol. I'll find some consequence for my stupid uterus for bleeding SEVEN days straight (seriously wtf?? I miss my 4 day periods I thought birth control periods were suppose to be better??).

I really don't have much to do today. Put some dishes away, and generally just straighten up. I need to do laundry still... but I just feel so uncomfortable even walking outside when they are all sitting out there. I'll do it tonight when T comes up.. and hopefully I can get him to at least walk down with me... I'm sure he will as long he doesn't have to do anything lol.

In 4 hours I will be with T. HEHEHEHEHEHE. I can't believe that I actually want time to go faster. I use to dread days ending because that meant it was closer to... FRIDAY.. dun dun dun... Speaking of Friday I really kinda want to go see Friday The 13th. I've heard its pretty good... and if most people say that I'll like it because I usually like pretty shit hole movies anyway lol.... But I don't know if T will want to sit through a movie he is going to think is really really bad. I guess when he reads this and says yes or no I'll know :)

After T read my blog last night... things have been different. In a very good way. We are back to the BDSM lifestyle and I've been really happy. Vanilla wont work for us. So if BDSM doesn't... well.. I don't even want to talk about that because it WILL work. We are both making an effort because we both really really want to be together. So last night... T belted me a little just for the fun of it I suppose and then shoved his dirty cock in my mouth which.... wasn't so bad once i slobbered it up and couldn't taste the things that I didn't really want to taste anymore lol.. and T... touched... my.. butt... HOLE. I did not like that very much. It was awkward and didn't do much for me sexually but it wasn't like painful or upsetting or anything so I don't know what else to say about it except that he did it TWICE and said that an ass fucking was in my future... hopefully a very distant future.... blah.

Anyway I'm going to go get my chips and queso now... mmm...

I'm so ADD lol

Breathe.

I've been upset most of the day worrying about whether T and I are going to work out. I want to start Nursing School, but that means that T and I need to commit to each other for 3 years. He doesn't know what he should do, I guess. It's 3 o'clock and I haven't cleaned at all. I don't want to. I don't want to do anything right now, but after this I am going to clean up and start dinner
. I'm upset, obviously. And I was(am) trying to make an effort in the relationship, and I have before and given up before. And the reasons I've given up is because I don't feel like T tries. He acts like he is going to, and then he fails in some areas (usually the ones that matter most to me) and succeeds in other areas and constantly talks about those areas and how he tries so hard, and I just don't feel it. Maybe that makes me an insane bitch. I don't know. A lot of things are really getting to me right now.

My issues:
-I act like a brat

-When I don't feel like doing something I generally don't

-I don't like change

-I really like to be organized, and stress when things aren't

-When things are going badly I get extremely upset

What I'm trying to do to fix my issues (it's only been 4-5 days and yes I already feel like giving up and I will explain that in this too.):

-I've been trying to be more positive and not complain about little things that go wrong daily.

-When T wants head (which is what I mean about when I don't feel like doing something I don't. I'm talking about head, because that's the only thing I feel that T has ever expected out of me BDSM wise at least, besides wanting me to be nice all the time even when I feel like my submissive needs are never met, which is a big reason why I would always more or less say fuck you when he would try and make me give him head, I never feel like I'm being used or that I'm serving anyone and every time I put the illusion in my head that things I'm doing are for him.. he eventually bring me back to reality that everything I do is for myself not him.. because he doesn't want anything but head) I tell him whether I want to or not and accept his decision either way.

-I'm trying to accept change. I had a bad moment when he wanted to go to a restaurant I had never been to before. But instead of holding my ground and ruining the night like I usually do, I gave in... went into the bathroom and calmed down and then had a nice night with T.

-Here is where I just want to give up. I like to be organized. T started work last Wednesday. I thought everything was going to go back to normal, except better because we had figured out how to compromise on T's lack of remembering how to be responsible for things. Outlook! Wednesday while he was gone all day I had the Apartment looking perfect (for him, but then he reminded me how it's just for me), and I had Outlook set up for the next 3 months, and I put make up on, did my hair, and had dinner ready for him. Thursday and Friday he seemed to have disregarded Outlook. We had bills to be paid.. and I figured he just wanted to be with me and relax when he got home and that he would do it on the weekend. Wrong. I'm still debating whether he even looked at Outlook at all this weekend. Saturday night, yes, he did do a load of laundry for me and I appreciated it very much. But on Saturday he admitted all he did was touch his cock and eat sushi. It annoyed me slightly but I just figured he really needed a day like that after is Hilton Country Club Call Center job he had just got done working at the last 3 days (eh whatever). I figured he'll probably get things done on Sunday. I called him Sunday mid-day and he admitted to still having done nothing.. and I slipped in some reminders (which aggravated me a lot to do because he should have been looking at Outlook) and tried to brush it off that I had to do that, even though Outlooks purpose was to prevent me from feeling like I needed to. He realized that he couldn't get his car checked because it was Sunday and he took the trash out. And I may be wrong but I think that's all he did. He couldn't walk the printer downstairs to the lady who let him borrow it (he actually tried to put that on me today, which also added to the small amount of built up anger that I've had for the last 3 days), he couldn't pay two bills online while he sat on the computer most of the day, despite that fact that I told him Friday we got a notice from Insight saying they were going to cut us off and if they do there are going to be added fees, and he didn't go to the grocery store (which I don't mind going with him. It just would have been nice if he would get the items for me, while I keep track and use those items to make food/keep this place clean for him me. And that's all that was scheduled for him to do. Walk a printer downstairs, pay 2 bills online, and go to the Kroger 2 minutes away with the lists. But he didn't. And it aggravates me. He can pay the bills and take the printer down today, but he probably wont.. and we can't get groceries till tomorrow.. so I'm stuck eating Hamburger Helper tonight... mmmmm -eye roll-. I was making an effort, and I compromised. I even keep track of Outlook for him because I know he wont remember to put things in it. ALL he had to do and promised to do was to keep up with Outlook (and move things to the next day if he wasn't going to do it, but he didn't put anything on Monday and not doing all those things on the weekend when he didn't have to work is ignorant. He has had that Lady's printer for more then a few days, when he could just walk in down there, and there is no excuse to procrastinate on paying bills you could pay while reading Slate especially when one of them sent a notice that it is about to get cut off and there are fees). That is what makes me want to give up.


But instead on focusing on that one major thing that I ask of him, he doesn't. I'm trying to (even though he said we aren't in a BDSM relationship) be submissive to him and focus on working 2 days a week, cleaning, cooking, school, and making him happy. BUT I CAN'T I can't focus on what I need to do because I have to focus on everything T needs to do because he won't do it himself. And I'm never going to be able to fully submit to him and let go of things if he can't keep his promises. That's all I wanted from him was to keep track of things, and when he brought up Outlook I thought things were really going to change. Wrong, wrong and wrong. But every time I mention this he lists off everything he does for me.

-Cuddles
-Gets me chocolate
-Lets me buy things when I ask for it
-Takes showers with me
-???? I don't even know what else.. because

IT'S NOT WHAT MAKES ME WANT TO BE A SUBMISSIVE AND LET GO FOR HIM. And he doesn't understand this!!!! I love cuddling, yes.. and he buys me chocolate.. great... if I could drive I'd buy myself chocolate.. He takes showers with me because I like to be close to him... okay great.. None of that makes me want to submit to him. Him taking control of our bank account (and I don't just mean telling me no I can't have Salted Vinegar Chips, I mean PAYING OUR BILLS with out me having to say something and write it out on Outlook 6 times!!! I should only have to write it once and him go "oh yeah" and do it!!!!), him working twice as much as me (which he now does and I am very happy that he has a job and I know he is a lot happier because of it!), him using me.. and I don't mean shoving my head in his crotch. Yes I feel used but it makes me feel bad about myself when he would just rather lay back and close his eyes while I suck his dick every single day...playing with me once and awhile will not only make me feel wanted but it makes me feel like hes actually sexually attracted to me... I want to be played with and feel like I am purposeful and that he is getting his needs out on me.... in the last near six months I can remember every "play session" we've had.. because we've had such few.. and I also remember every single time being the one that initiated it when he probably would have just tried to get me to give him head, and that hurts and yeah does build up anger and that should be more understood. I'm never actually put in my place as a submissive either (and that's not because I refuse punishments, and the reason I refuse them is because I'm not in a submissive mindset anyway because of the lack of feeling/reminder that I am even suppose to be one for him!), and.... I don't know.

I'm getting so upset now. The reason I am writing this is not to bitch or threaten or be mean or give up.... it's because if T would truly understand all of this, and not be lazy and actually work at using Outlook and work on being a Dominant 24/7 if he wants me to be his submissive 24/7 (because right now I feel like what he wants from BDSM is a 24/7 submissive, but he only has to be Dominant 15-30 minutes a day when hes shoving his cock in my face), and stop thinking that I am so shallow that chocolate and cuddling is going to make me feel submissive and really start emotionally and physically treating me the way I want so that I can be his submissive, if that would just all magically happen and work out.... I know we'd be together for a long time and our relationship would be better then either of us has ever imagined. And what scares me is that I don't think T has the real drive or even want to do it. I think at this point it's just all given up. Like this is all being figured out too late. He can just find another girl who will feel submissive even when she isn't being treated like one. And he wont have to work as hard as he would have to in this relationship. That scares me and hurts me and it's taken me almost 2 hours to write this just because I keep crying and I can't see to type... I just wish that T would put in as much effort as I am trying to right now. I know he said that it's my turn to save this.... but I don't agree. In the past he didn't do anything (anything permanent at least) to save this except think that simple materialistic things would be enough to make me happy and make promises he hasn't really kept. We both need to make a real effort. Every real BDSM blog I've ever read all those couples struggle but the difference between theirs and our relationship is that they try as hard as they can. T says he does and has tried.. but.. I just don't fully agree... and that may make him mad or hurt him.. but like I said chocolate and cuddling isn't going to make everything better. Real effort needs to be put in.


T, this is for you to read... and I want you to tell me what you think. I'm not being irrational, and I'm not trying to bullshit anything. I'm trying to be real. I'm trying to save this and be with you because I love you more then anything, and I mean that. I just want to know if your willing to make a real effort with me. Because this really is our last shot.


Marie

Morrrrning.

I don't really like waking up in the morning after I've gone back to sleep when T leaves. I forget that he left so when I wake up I'm all ":(" for a minute.. hah.. oh well. I haven't done much today so far but I've only been up for about an hour. I got to move a bunch of stuff in Outlook to today so T knows it needs to be done. And clean and get laundry together so I can start it when T gets home... lol.


Yesterday was nice after work. Went out to eat with Matt and friends... then went to the homemade icecream and pie place... mm... came home and cuddled with matt, and then passed out! Then the morning came.... and I made him eggs and bacon... and then had my face fucked which was not enjoyable at all. But its not suppose to be for me, right? mmmm anyway...



marie

HEEEEHEEEE.

I love how for the past THREE days the apartment has stayed clean. O-m-g I love it. The only things misplaced in the livingroom is nail polish and self-tanner. BWAHAHA. I do need to do dishes today, and the laundy.. but I need quarters first. Then when T comes home with whatever he buys from Kroger I'll make that for dindin. Unless it's steak, I don't know how to make it and it's to expensive to ruin.. so T will make that, ha.

I had such a weird dream last night. It's been buggin me. I had a dream I was like 3 months pregnant and lost it and like I had it wrapped up and I was looking at it and it looked weird but it had brown eyes and brown hair and it was a boy. What the fuck? I was also living in Willow Creek (and I lived there when I was like 14 lol) and I was like hiding it from T and crying. I don't know why the fuck I had that dream. I do know that my tampon is really hurting me though. The Nuvaring has been making me have shocking pains like right above my cervix.. it's not a cramp it's a sharp pain that lasts for about 30 seconds and comes back several times a day. Sometimes worse, sometimes not as bad. Well now my tampon is making me have that feeling as well. Except it hurts about 8x more and the shocking pains are in my booty hole as well. I don't know what thats all about. Usually it's when I keep the tampon in for too long. TSS? I don't know much about TSS.. so who knows. So I kept it out for awhile and went to sleep.. woke up with a little mess (oops?) and put a tampon back in.. and now I'm having those pains again but not as bad right now and they are constant not going away and coming back, and they are not cramps. Oh well. I guess I can't do anything about it.

Anyway. My brother never paid me yesterday but I got a friend to take me to get my check and I bought him some Starbucks as a thanks. MMM I love Starbucks! Hah. So T and I went to the Cheese Cake Factory. It was soo good. Then we wen't downtown and walked around a park on a river. It was nice, just a little too cold! Unfortunatly I got a headache so I wasn't much fun when we got home. We watched a show and we just went to bed at 9. Then I woke up at 3 from that weird dream and T wanted a blow job but I turned him down... and felt bad.. but blah... he didnt mind. We went back to sleep and woke up at 6 and then he got his blow job.. mmm.. I was tired though.. haha shouldn't have been since I slept for a really, really long time...

That's pretty much it right now...

marieeeeee

RAWR, It's 11:08AM

I've been up for about an hour now. I've eaten some Oatmeal, laid in bed, played on myspace, and now I'm bored. So I decided I could write here and kill about 30 minutes. I don't have much to do today except clean up all the dishes, throw some things in the hamper, straighten things up a bit... I could mop, but I probably wont. I need a new mop, a new broom, and a vacuum. I never understood WHY there were always 934194381 choices for mops and brooms... but I have come to realize the cheap ones suck! I want this thing that sweeps and mops all in one. Someone I know has one and it is awesome as fuck. Probably expensive too, so I don't know when I'll be getting that exactly, plus it could help if I knew what it was called. Anyway..at 12... T will call me.. and then I'll eat some chicken nuggets, clean everything up, possibly watch TV(probably not), take a shower, do my haaaaair, make up and put on something cute. It'll probably be about 3:30-4:00 then. Hopefully I'll know by then whether my brother is sending me the 250 or not, so I know whether to take some meat out of the freezer or not.. blah.... I hope he sends it! If he does T and I are going to the Cheesecake Factory! Mmmmm! I texted my brother this morning and he said he was going to send it, I gave him my info -justtomakesure- and he said that he'll give me this control number and that's what I give the people to get my money from Western Union. I know what he is talking about, but I still think they want you to have each others information as well. So when T finally came home from work last night I was suuuuuuuper happy. I didn't have dinner ready though. I was running late because I didn't know what to do with the chicken. But my mom told me something yummy I could put on it but I had to marinate it for 30 minutes which is what put me behind. T seemed to like the chicken a lot, it had a very strong taste from the marinade so the Mac and Cheeeeese was almost tastless (to me at least). My two friends came over for a little while as well. I felt bad because I know I wasn't making them feel very welcomed, which is why I think they left 45 minutes after they came. I don't know. I invited them over early in the day because I wanted them to come over before T got home because I really wanted to spend the night alone with him. But they showed up like 15 minutes after T got home. So after we ate T took a shower and when he got out I had cock in my mouth pretty quickly.. then we spent time together... had some more cock... spent more time together.. and had some more cock. Mmmm cock! It was a good night, wish I could of gotten fucked, but I's on my period. Which is why I got cock in my mouth 3 times! So I went to bed, and T came to bed an hour or so later.. and that was the night. This morning my alarm clock woke me at 6am and I made T breakfast. Eggs, jalapenos, beans, salsa, wrapped in a tortilla. Next time it'll have more salsa, sour cream, and shredded cheese (cuz T will remember to put it away! cough cough). After that... we messed around.. sorta??? HAHA anyway, he got ready for work and I went back to sleep and then woke up at 10. And if you've forgotten what I did when I woke up you can start reading from the beginning because this entry just made a circle.

marie

11:27 damn!! it only covere 19 minutes! lol

One

Yesterday T went on an interview, and today he has a job. He works from 8am to 5pm... Monday through Friday. What really sucks about that is the fact that I work Saturdays and Sundays. I have taken March 7th off.. so that will be the next time T and I have a whole day together. I want to take one day a month off.. but because I work 12 hour shifts, it uses up my personal days and vacation days faster. Like I may have 24 personal hours... and that would be 3 personal days for someone who works 8 hour shifts, but for me thats only 2 personal days for the whole year. At least I'm pretty sure that is how it works. I could request to get paid for only 8 hours of the 12, but then my checks would be much smaller (which soon might not matter?).. as for my vaction, I have no idea how much time I have there. I'd like to think at least 4 days worth.. I've been working there for a year and a half, but only 6 months of that was I working full time.. So I just don't know. Anywho... I set my alarm clock for 6am this morning and made T eggs and bacon while he took a shower. I'm pretty sure that made him happy :). After he left I went back to bed until about 10ish? Then I watched some TV, ate oatmeal, cleaned, took a shower and got cute and stuff.... and now it's 4:30.. so I need to kill 30 minutes before I start trying to figure out what in the world to make for dinner. We don't have much.. I'm tempted to tell T to just bring home some Mcdonalds... but we only have 20$ in our account, and it looks like I wont be able to get my money until Friday morning, if my friend agrees to take me. She isn't much of a morning person so I promised her a little gas money and starbucks. Hopefully that'll make her want to take me! I'll figure out something to eat, thanks to my mom!

marie

I am doing a super clean today.

I have decided that I am going to do it and I am not going to stop until it's 1000000000000000000000000% eat off of any part of this apartment clean. I just hope T stays away long enough for me to do it, hah. He is distracting as hell! He has two job interviews and there is a good chance that he will be getting one of the jobs, so that is excellent news. I'm also going to look up careerbuilder.com and see what else is out there for him. It's stressing me. But all we really need to do is make it to July. My mom is going to give me 4,000 of her inheritance and help me buy a car. I'm not sure if I am going to buy a 4,000 car or maybe put that down on a 6,000 dollar car or what. Because if I pay for a 4,000 dollar car I'm really getting a car that's worth like.... 2,000 and that makes me nervous. A 2,000 car doesn't sound very reliable. The Honda right now is running okay, but it does have transmission problems... and it's just an old ass car. I don't trust it to get me where I need to go for the next few years. The other car that died on us a week after paying 450 for it (gooo figure) wont start it's still in a Wal-Mart parking lot.. hah.. But we are thinking when it gets warmer that it will start. We are going to take it to a junk yard... even though they want to pay us like... 150-200 for it? It's still a 300 dollar loss... but right now we could use that cash. My friend told me about a place called Pull Apart.. apparently they pay more.. so we might take it to there. I really don't know what we are going to do with that car. It may be a 200 dollar fix.. but I don't even KNOW if I want that car.. I guess something smart to do would be to take it to AutoZone and let them run a free test thing on it to let us know.. and go from there... I'll see what T wants to do. I just don't even know if we can get it to AutoZone. Oh well. Enough about cars! The more I type and think about other things besides cleaning the less I want to clean.. eh... it needs to be done.

-Living room needs to be straightened up, dusted, vacuumed, CD's put away, filing cabinet needs reorganizing.

-Kitchen.. I dread this room... The fridge needs to be emptied and cleaned out, dishes need to be washed and put away, the oven needs to be cleaned inside and out, the silverware drawer needs to be cleaned, base boards need to be cleaning, floors swept and mopped, blinds dusted, trash taken out, trash can cleaned.

-Hallway needs to be swept and mopped and base boards need to be cleaned and utility door needs to be cleaned...

-Bathroom flat out needs to be scrubbed down... toliot, sink, tub.. trash needs to be thrown away, floors need to be bleached, blinds dusted.. basket reorganzized.... mirror cleaned

-Bedroom, another room that I don't want to clean. The dirty and clean clothes need to be seperated and put up. Trash needs to be cleaned, sex toys need to be cleaned and put away (lol), needs to be vaccumed, dusted, walls and base boards clean..

(I think I'm writing this all down so T knows EXACTLY what I did! :) is that bad? hah... oh well)

Well... blah... I'm going to go put on some yucky clothes and pull my hair up and get started on this... and when I'm done take a nice shower.. do my hair.. my make up.. and look adorable for T (hopefully!)


marie

Bored & Stolen

ROCK STAR NAME: (first pet, current car): Skyler Honda

GANGSTA NAME: (favorite ice cream flavor, favorite kind of shoe): Vanilla Vans

HIPPY NAME: (what you ate for breakfast, favorite tree): Soup Willow

SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born): Elizabeth Norwalk

STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 of your first name): Bar Li

SUPERHERO NAME: (favorite color, favorite drink): Purple Chocolate Milk

NASCAR NAME: (the first names of your grandfathers/grandmothers): Craig Elizabeth

STRIPPER NAME: (the name of your favorite perfume/cologne/scent, favorite candy): Light Blue Recees Cups

TV WEATHER ANCHOR NAME: (Your 4th grade teacher’s last name, a city that starts with the same letter): Russell Richmond

SPY NAME: (your favorite season/holiday, flower): Spring Tiger Lilly 

CARTOON NAME: (favorite fruit, article of clothing you’re wearing right now): Banana Naked

——————————————————————————

1. Is sex best in the morning, afternoon, or night?
Afternoon

2. On which side of the bed do you sleep?
Tha Left

3. Pork, beef, or chicken?
Chicken

4. Have you ever had to pull over on the side of the road to puke?
No.

5. What leg do you put in pants first when putting them on?
Probably the right. 

6. Candles or incense?
I LOVE CANDLES.

7. Do you dance when no one is watching?
Yup

8. Did you play doctor when you were little?
LOL yeaaaaaah 

9. Stove top cooking or microwave?
Stove Top Cooking.

10. Would you rather your car or your house be dirty?
Car

11. Shower or bath?
Shower. 

12. Do you pee in the shower?
All the time. 

13. Mexican or Chinese food?
Mexican

14. Do you want someone aggressive or passive in bed?
.. passive! NOT.

15. Do you own sex toys?
:) uh huh

16. Corn dogs or hot dogs?
Corn dogs.

17. Your favorite restaurant?
CHEESEEEEEE CAKEEEEEEEE FACTORYYYYYY

18. What did you have for lunch today?
Mcdonaldz

19. When did you last fall down?
Today

20. Have you ever wished someone were dead?
:)

21. Love or money?
Love AND money. 

22. Credit cards or cash?
Cash

23. Has there ever been anyone in your family you wish wasn’t?
No I have a small fam. 

24. Oreos or vanilla wafers?
OrEoSsSssssssss

25. How do you like your steak cooked?
Extra Done

26. How do you like your eggs cooked?
Scrambled with cheesey cheese on them

27. Have you ever knocked someone off their feet in a fight?
No

28. Would you rather go camping or to a five star hotel?
Five Star Hotel

29. Would you rather have a root canal or minor surgery?
Minor Surgery.

30. Would you shave your entire body (including your head) for money?
No. If the money was right I would. 

31. Would you rather have lice or an STD?
Lice because you can get rid of it.. duuuuhhh.. 

32. What’s your favorite hard candy?
I do not have a fav. hard candy. 

33. Ever been to a strip club?
No. I wanna go though.

34. Ever been to a bar?
No

35. Ever been kicked out of a bar or a club?
Yes.

36. Ever been so drunk you had to be carried out of somewhere?
No.

37. Kissed someone of the same sex?
Yes.

38. Had sex in the car?

No but I really want to.

39. Had sex at the beach?
No.

40. Had sex in a movie theater?
No.

41. Had sex in a bathroom?
Not yet...

42. Have you ever been in an “adult” store?
Duh.

43. Is there anyone on your friends list you would ever consider having sex with?
Yes.

44. Have you been caught having sex?
No.

45. Have you ever kissed a stranger?
No.

46. Does anyone have naughty pictures of you?
LOL

======================

Today I learned that T is not my lord and master but his COCK is.