Bad mood. Trying to recover from it.

T generally lets me do what I want with almost everything that has to do with our lives. I've been thinking about that deeply and have gone through a roller coaster of emotions about it. Is that bad? Good? Does that mean he trusts me enough to know whats best for us? Does this make me controlling? Does he want to control this? And me at all besides sexually? Should I just go about how I do things and trust that if T wants it done differently that he is actually going to tell me he is? Because a lot of the time I feel like he just lets me do whatever because it's easier. That nothing actually goes his way. I don't even feel like he has his own sort of way of doing anything, does this make sense? Is it understandable for me, someone who is making an effort to be someone elses submissive, would be bothered and upset about this? That although the way things are working out now are working out generally well, but I am still unhappy about the situation because I had made every single decision on how everything was going to get done? Does this make sense? I don't even know what to do. T can tell me "you started this, you came up with the idea, you're controlling it all, for me" but is it really for him? Because a lot of things we do or don't seem to be for me, not him. And it's just upsetting me and bothering me a lot. I don't feel like this is a true BDSM relationship if that's the way this really is. It's like a mock BDSM relationship, like we are really vanillas who want kinky sex stuff so we try and pretend like our everyday life is also BDSM. With thinking about all that I also wrote T this. I just need to figure out what T fucking wants.





Dear T,

I’ve written you several letters today. Some I was crying while writing, some I was pissed, some I was trying to act understanding, some I listed things that I feel aren’t up to par at the moment. Some I made threats in, some I made deals in, some I gave up in. I’ve been having bad anxiety today because I fear for our future. This is why I am writing this as my last and final draft, it’s clear, understandable, and not irrational.

I recently went through Outlook and simplified everything. I pushed everything to the weekends (whether it’s due date was during the week or not), and unless it’s “you’re going to die on Tuesday” everything that needs to be done, regardless of its actual due date, will be put on a Saturday or a Sunday. The only things that should be found during the week is when rent is due, when money is routinely hitting our account, appointments and trash. I did this because after your 10 hour day you coming home, looking at Outlook and running back out to do the things you need to do that day is unrealistic and I need to let that go because it’s unfair. I know you’ve known this is unfair which is why you simply haven’t been doing it, and it is really upsetting that you didn’t take control of that and tell me to change it to something that would suit you better. That I had to get upset and worry until I figured out a solution myself, even though you apparently already had one.

Honestly, I know that Outlook and the lists are primarily for me. It’s actually upsetting when I think about that, which is why although Outlook has been working out decently, I’m still upset with the situation. I am supposed to be you’re submissive, yet you’re still changing how you would typically do things to accommodate me, not yourself. On the other hand as my Dominant I feel that you should be also providing what I need to be able to focus on you and be a submissive. Am I wrong in this statement? And one thing I very badly need is some type of routine or system as to how we handle things we need to do in our lives, so that I am focusing on you and not stressing about things that you are suppose to be handling. Which is why I was ecstatic when you came up with Outlook, and greatly disappointed when you would write things down and never do them or just forget something altogether. So I took it upon myself (which also upsets me) to write them for you and recently and finally figured out where to put them to ensure that you’ll be able to see it and get it done. This upsets me because I’m controlling things. I don’t want to. If you were to tell me I needed to do this for you, it would be different. But instead, you let me do whatever, and I’m reminded that this is all for me and you just don’t really care.

I’m a very simple person, I think at least. Our lives would be wonderful if I could just be your submissive and nothing more. Clean, cook, track Outlook and the lists… do my school work and go to my job twice a week. And you working full time, tracking you own school... Would just know and do the things you needed to in Outlook and have them done without me ever having to worry or think about whether you actually did it or if you will do it. Life would be just fine. But that’s what *I* want. That’s not what my MASTER wants. That’s what makes it imperfect and unsatisfying. It’s all for me, nothing for you. And I don’t know what to do about it.

Get rid of Outlook? The lists? Just hope that you’ll remember to get my IPOD out of the pawn shop or take me to Kroger to get the money from Western Union? I mean, writing it down in Outlook isn’t making you do it anymore then just hoping you do it, right? But I shouldn’t hope. In theory I should just forget about my IPOD and about the 250 dollars waiting for us. And if you NEVER take care of those things, as you’re submissive, I should accept that. Or should I remind you? And how many times, once or twice? Three times? When will that start to feel like I’m a nagging girlfriend?

Do you see my problem?