IS YOUR DOM ABUSIVE?

I'm bored. and I've been reading random sites for submissives. Kinda like T's version of slate but just for submissives, I guess. And I'm reading currently about if my Doms abusive!! Lol. So I didn't feel like just reading all the questions so I'm going to read and answer them here :O. Lets see if I'm being abused! :)


Does he reject your right to decide if you'll use birth control? no
Does he reject your right to decide whether to work at a paid job? no but don't some submissives let their Doms choose whether they work? Idk why that would be a sign of abuse
Does he refuse to let you spend time alone? no i get too much time alone i think lol
Is he upset you have other friends? no but he doesnt some of dem
Is he displeased at your accomplishments and ambitions? no lol
Does he have trouble accepting the fact that women can and should be wise, worldly, confident, strong, decisive and independent as men? no
Does he refuse to talk and listen? he talks a lot a alot a lot and he listens to me
Does he hide from you the fact that his feelings are hurt? no
Does he think its bad for men to show they are weak or vulnerable and to cry sometimes - aside from after he has abused you? no? lol
Is he unable to express affection aside from the times he's sorry for abusing you and when he wants, or you are having sex? he gives me lots of affection
Are there some special traits about women's ability to express emotions, willingness to be vulnerable, that he admires ? idk??
Does he dislike or degrade his mother or sister? no sista and he doesnt like his momma
Does he lack good friends? he doesnt have a lot of friends but im pretty sure the reasons are 1.) if he is single he isnt concerned about having friends, hes lookin for a girl and obv. those generally dont end in friendship 2.) he is with me or at work a lot and i dont see him wanting to go out and make a bunch of friends on his only days off a week 3.) he isnt from here so he doesnt have like friends from hs or anything
Does he lack interests besides you? no he needs to be interested in me moreeeee sometimes
When angry, does he break or throw things? no
Does he lose his temper over small things, especially when he doesn't perform as well as he would like? performing not well at things pisses him off yeah
Does he ask you about other men in your past life? no lol but there isnt noneeeeee
does he want to know where you have been when you have been out? not really he knows because i tell him almost my day to day everything but he isnt like who what where when why ever
Does he believe husbands should make the important decisions? idk?
Does he reject your opinion? no
Does he think there are any circumstances in which it is okay for a man to hit a woman? yeah, like punishments
Is he jealous of your friends or relatives? no lolol
Does he think you are with another man when you are not home when he calls? no
Does he think men should earn more than women in the same job? no i think he thinks that people who do better should be paid more
Does he especially want baby boys and associates fathering boys with masculinity? idk??? i want boys does that mean something?
Does he think you have enough education even though you want to go to school? no
Does he get angry if meals are late, or food isn't just right? no
Does he take over when you are having trouble doing something whether you want to or not? no
When he is hurt, does he act angry instead? no
Does he silently sulk when angry? idk i suppose sometimes since he doesnt always let me know his feelings
Does he ridicule you for being stupid, or for characteristics that are typical of women? um i know he knows i have my dumb moments
Do you like yourself less than usual when you have been with him? no
Has he spent time in jail? no
Was he abused as a child? yeah.
Does he sometimes put you on a pedestal, saying he doesn't deserve you? no
Are there some qualities you especially like about yourself that he disapproves of or ridicules? no
When you have acted independently, has he called you a "woman libber" or "dyke"? no
Has he been in fist fights or hit other women he's been involved with? idk consentually, im sure... idk other wise
Has he ignored your feelings? he has before yeah
Has he continually criticized you, called you names, or shouted at you? mmmmyeah he calls his slut and whore mmmmm
Has he ridiculed or insulted your religion, race, heritage, or class? no
Has he withheld approval, appreciation, or affection as punishment? no
Does he insult your friends and family? friends and family, sometimes but he knows what they like sooo yaaaaah
Does he humiliate you in private or public? in private yes ;) public no
Does he refuse to socialize with you? no
Does he try to keep you from working? i wish he would i hate my job lol but i love my patients and taking care of them
Does he try to control your money? omg yesssssss
Does he try to make all the decisions? not ALL of them
Does he make excuses for not working? no
Is it all right to spend your money but not his? no i spend his monaaaay.
Does his punishment of children seem excessive? ive never seen him punish a kid but hes pretty level headed about shit like that
Does he tell you about past affairs? whats that mean? like past things he has done? or like past cheating? cuz he USE to talk about things he has done in the past that i personally wouldnt share with others and ive talked to people about it and they say they wouldnt either because personal things you do with other people are suppose to be between you and that person.. but i think hes figured out i dont really care about what hes done and sort of disapprove of his actions when it comes to relationships and how quickly he does things which sorta of makes me feel like he doesn't value parts of relationships cuz he gets to them and moves on from them so fast. idk he knows to keep his dirty thoughts about exs and things he has done to himself now.
Is he abusive to pets? no
Does he tell anti-woman jokes or make demeaning remarks about women? no
Does he treat women as sex objects? mmmm sometimes he treats me that way ;) not nearly enough though
Does he get jealous and assume you would have sex with anyone? no
Has he publicly shown sexual interest in other women? no
Does he call you names like "whore" or "frigid"? yes he calls me a whore a lotttttttt
Has he had affairs after agreeing to a monogamous relationship? no
Does he assume the right to control how you live and behave? mostly
Do you rehearse what you will say so as not to make him angry? i rehearse everything im going to say to everyone just because im a planner and like to plan things out
Does he bewilder you by switching from charm to rage without warning? no
Do you often feel confused, off balance or inadequate with him? no
Does he blame you for everything that goes wrong? no
Do you fear his reactions? no




so I think you're suppose to say No to all of these. Which I oviously said yes to some... lol but some don't make sense to say no to if you're in a D/s relationship... helllooo... ??? Anyway. I think it's safe to say that I'm not in a horrible bad abusive relationship!

YAY!!!!

lol ok. im going to go shower now.

aggravated and horny

LIKE USUAL, SO WHATEVER.

So T thinks I'm self-centered. And it use to bother me, but I'm starting to really not care (hah, I guess it's the self-centeredness of me showing itself). Like this morning he basically said that I only care about my own feelings and think about myself and don't care about his feelings. You know, I'd care about you feelings if you'd actually let me know what they are. When I'm mad I like to vent or be left alone. And you know what, that's exactly what T likes too, whether he realizes it or not. I always listen to what he has to say, and no he doesn't get a lot of time alone when I'm home with him (shit we get like 4 hours a day together where we aren't tired as fuck, of course I want to spend that time with him) and usually when he rushes me to bed and on his weekends he gets to be alone because I'm at work. And plus, he doesn't let me know when he is upset a lot of the time (unless he is bitching about it) and when I ask if something is wrong it's always "eh nothing" and I usually do push and I get the same response. So what the fuck am I suppose to do? He has told me many times he isn't a mind reader, and aha neither am I. If you want me to do something sweet and special for you because you're upset well let me know you're upset once and awhile. And what am I suppose to do for you anyway. I can't go anywhere and get you anything. I can't surprise you with something I know you like, like starbucks. I clean? And you don't care. I cook, and it's expected..... ummmm I give head way more then I get laid so what the fuck? I listen when you vent and when you put yourself down I tell you it isn't true cuz its not, I always cuddle. You never ask for backrubs and when you do I give them. I wash you down in the shower like 90% of the time when I get in there. All day my day is T T T T T T T T T T. I make sure the apartment doesn't look like shit, I make you something to eat, I kiss you and cuddle with you and ask you how your day was and I bring you something to drink if you ask, I bring you your food, when we go grocery shopping I always buy things you say you like, I count down and wait all day for you to be home, at work I try and text you and call you all day to talk to you. Holy shit my life revolves around T. But wait.. I'm self-centered aren't I? Yeah fuck you for saying that. The only thing you have is the fact that I refuse and bitch about giving head. Because I'm sorry but when I'm all over you stripping you down sucking you to get you hard SO YOU CAN FUCK ME.. and you just lay there like a lazy fucking asshole and do nothing for me the whole time it gets lame. A lot of the time when I suck your dick its to get you hard so you can fuck me, not because I just want dick in my mouth, I already get it shoved in my mouth enough with out having to initiate that myself so what the fuck. And our sex gets sort of boring. I always say do more do what you want but if you did what you really wanted you'd get off of me and lay the fuck down and shove my head in your crotch, so whaaaaaat the hell ever. You don't really want to fuck me you're not sexually attracted to me and thats not changing obviously. so lets bring someone else in so I can have the boring sex and he can have fun with her. GOOD FUCKING IDEA.

I had a crazy dream last night.

T and I were at his dads house (they don't live in a house for starters lol) and I went across the street to get a basketball (why???) and some of the people over there (I don't know who they are) and they pissed off 394314891 bees so I ran in their house and was trying to call T to help me and he didn't answer. So I run over and get in his car and he gets in and I tell him whats going on.... so his dad comes out and takes a hose and kills all the bees.. so T feels the need to put the windows down..and I flip out because I still see bees.. and T ignores me (idk why??) and takes the keys out of the car (and the windows are down) and goes inside his dads house. And I've never really met any of them so I didn't want to walk inside so as he is walking back inside I scream "FUCK YOU!!!" and he doesn't notice so I go inside and start looking around and eat chocolate covered pretzels... and thats it? Lol I know, wow.

Bad mood. Trying to recover from it.

T generally lets me do what I want with almost everything that has to do with our lives. I've been thinking about that deeply and have gone through a roller coaster of emotions about it. Is that bad? Good? Does that mean he trusts me enough to know whats best for us? Does this make me controlling? Does he want to control this? And me at all besides sexually? Should I just go about how I do things and trust that if T wants it done differently that he is actually going to tell me he is? Because a lot of the time I feel like he just lets me do whatever because it's easier. That nothing actually goes his way. I don't even feel like he has his own sort of way of doing anything, does this make sense? Is it understandable for me, someone who is making an effort to be someone elses submissive, would be bothered and upset about this? That although the way things are working out now are working out generally well, but I am still unhappy about the situation because I had made every single decision on how everything was going to get done? Does this make sense? I don't even know what to do. T can tell me "you started this, you came up with the idea, you're controlling it all, for me" but is it really for him? Because a lot of things we do or don't seem to be for me, not him. And it's just upsetting me and bothering me a lot. I don't feel like this is a true BDSM relationship if that's the way this really is. It's like a mock BDSM relationship, like we are really vanillas who want kinky sex stuff so we try and pretend like our everyday life is also BDSM. With thinking about all that I also wrote T this. I just need to figure out what T fucking wants.





Dear T,

I’ve written you several letters today. Some I was crying while writing, some I was pissed, some I was trying to act understanding, some I listed things that I feel aren’t up to par at the moment. Some I made threats in, some I made deals in, some I gave up in. I’ve been having bad anxiety today because I fear for our future. This is why I am writing this as my last and final draft, it’s clear, understandable, and not irrational.

I recently went through Outlook and simplified everything. I pushed everything to the weekends (whether it’s due date was during the week or not), and unless it’s “you’re going to die on Tuesday” everything that needs to be done, regardless of its actual due date, will be put on a Saturday or a Sunday. The only things that should be found during the week is when rent is due, when money is routinely hitting our account, appointments and trash. I did this because after your 10 hour day you coming home, looking at Outlook and running back out to do the things you need to do that day is unrealistic and I need to let that go because it’s unfair. I know you’ve known this is unfair which is why you simply haven’t been doing it, and it is really upsetting that you didn’t take control of that and tell me to change it to something that would suit you better. That I had to get upset and worry until I figured out a solution myself, even though you apparently already had one.

Honestly, I know that Outlook and the lists are primarily for me. It’s actually upsetting when I think about that, which is why although Outlook has been working out decently, I’m still upset with the situation. I am supposed to be you’re submissive, yet you’re still changing how you would typically do things to accommodate me, not yourself. On the other hand as my Dominant I feel that you should be also providing what I need to be able to focus on you and be a submissive. Am I wrong in this statement? And one thing I very badly need is some type of routine or system as to how we handle things we need to do in our lives, so that I am focusing on you and not stressing about things that you are suppose to be handling. Which is why I was ecstatic when you came up with Outlook, and greatly disappointed when you would write things down and never do them or just forget something altogether. So I took it upon myself (which also upsets me) to write them for you and recently and finally figured out where to put them to ensure that you’ll be able to see it and get it done. This upsets me because I’m controlling things. I don’t want to. If you were to tell me I needed to do this for you, it would be different. But instead, you let me do whatever, and I’m reminded that this is all for me and you just don’t really care.

I’m a very simple person, I think at least. Our lives would be wonderful if I could just be your submissive and nothing more. Clean, cook, track Outlook and the lists… do my school work and go to my job twice a week. And you working full time, tracking you own school... Would just know and do the things you needed to in Outlook and have them done without me ever having to worry or think about whether you actually did it or if you will do it. Life would be just fine. But that’s what *I* want. That’s not what my MASTER wants. That’s what makes it imperfect and unsatisfying. It’s all for me, nothing for you. And I don’t know what to do about it.

Get rid of Outlook? The lists? Just hope that you’ll remember to get my IPOD out of the pawn shop or take me to Kroger to get the money from Western Union? I mean, writing it down in Outlook isn’t making you do it anymore then just hoping you do it, right? But I shouldn’t hope. In theory I should just forget about my IPOD and about the 250 dollars waiting for us. And if you NEVER take care of those things, as you’re submissive, I should accept that. Or should I remind you? And how many times, once or twice? Three times? When will that start to feel like I’m a nagging girlfriend?

Do you see my problem?

Sunday is our 6 months. That makes me smile, a lotttttt.

Alright soooo soo so... sooooooooooo0o0o0o0o0o.. o0o0o0o0o0o.. I have things to talk about, but I'm not sure if I want to talk about them yet. I don't know if I know what my *real* feelings on all the subjects are. I don't know if my feelings *now* on the subjects are my real feelings, or if my possessive/controlling/obsessive/etcetc natural first responses to the subjects are my true feelings. Does that make sense? Lol. I'm still thinking and analyzing all the possible situations that could be outcomes from the subjects that I don't want to talk about and am still deciding how horrible/not they may be. BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. I'm going to go drink a lot of coffee so I can concentrate on studying (did you know caffeine for ADHD sufferers works like Ritalin or Concetta, yes sirrrrrr it's true) I don't even know why I drink coffee in the morning. It doesn't wake me up. I can drink it and go straight to bed, I guess it's just a smell good warm thing that my mommy drank in the morning so I've always done the same lol.

marrrrrie

Well.

So I read this article on WebMD.com: http://www.oprah.com/article/omagazine/omag_200610_fight/1

and it's about a husband and a wife. The husband said he would do the dishes.. but after doing his and his wifes taxes and cleaning the basement he went to sleep instead of doing the dishes. Mia, his wife, was more or less pissed and started bitching about it. The point of the article was to teach people how to argue.. better. You know.. calm down.. talk.. listen.. etc. This article honestly just annoyed me. All the husband really did in the end was camly explain all that he did the night before as an excuse as to why he didn't do the dishes, and then listened to his wife list out everything that she has to do in her daily life and he acted sympathetic (like he didn't know before she said it all the things she had to do???). And that was suppose to make it all better? It seems more like he tricked his wife into thinking everything was just fine and that he totally understood how hard her life was.. well.. thats really nice but, um, the dishes still aren't done! Maybe I'm just focusing on the wrong part of the article.. but personally... if he wasn't going to do the dishes when he told his wife he would. He should have called and told her he wasn't going to and tell her when he was going to (he should obviously know his wife coming home to dirty dishes when he said he would do them would upset her, unless he is just a total tool), and she probably would have been understanding, maybe even had done them herself, and the fight wouldn't even have happened in the first place. I don't know. When people say they are going to do something, it just makes me really mad (plus I think I really need a smoke I left them in T's car) when people don't follow through or at least let you know they aren't going to do it when they do it. Maybe I'm being a hypocrite? I don't really think that I am. I generally do try and do what I say I am unless someone doesn't do as they promised me, and then I'm like screw it. I'm sure that's not that best way to look at things, and I'm trying not to be like that as much. Anyway, I guess his tips on how to argue better were good, but the situation wasn't. Just thinking.

Marie

I'm so horny

I don't know why but I just need a COCK inside me fucking me harder then I really even want to be fucked..... mmmmmmm... I just got done using my vibrator TWICE and I'm still horny as fuck. I really really just want T to take me, hard.

I put a tampon in this morning after I put the Nuvaring in and hopefully it'll soak up everything that's left and the Nuvaring will stop the blood from coming out. It better by tonight or else. Or else what? I don't even know lol. I'll find some consequence for my stupid uterus for bleeding SEVEN days straight (seriously wtf?? I miss my 4 day periods I thought birth control periods were suppose to be better??).

I really don't have much to do today. Put some dishes away, and generally just straighten up. I need to do laundry still... but I just feel so uncomfortable even walking outside when they are all sitting out there. I'll do it tonight when T comes up.. and hopefully I can get him to at least walk down with me... I'm sure he will as long he doesn't have to do anything lol.

In 4 hours I will be with T. HEHEHEHEHEHE. I can't believe that I actually want time to go faster. I use to dread days ending because that meant it was closer to... FRIDAY.. dun dun dun... Speaking of Friday I really kinda want to go see Friday The 13th. I've heard its pretty good... and if most people say that I'll like it because I usually like pretty shit hole movies anyway lol.... But I don't know if T will want to sit through a movie he is going to think is really really bad. I guess when he reads this and says yes or no I'll know :)

After T read my blog last night... things have been different. In a very good way. We are back to the BDSM lifestyle and I've been really happy. Vanilla wont work for us. So if BDSM doesn't... well.. I don't even want to talk about that because it WILL work. We are both making an effort because we both really really want to be together. So last night... T belted me a little just for the fun of it I suppose and then shoved his dirty cock in my mouth which.... wasn't so bad once i slobbered it up and couldn't taste the things that I didn't really want to taste anymore lol.. and T... touched... my.. butt... HOLE. I did not like that very much. It was awkward and didn't do much for me sexually but it wasn't like painful or upsetting or anything so I don't know what else to say about it except that he did it TWICE and said that an ass fucking was in my future... hopefully a very distant future.... blah.

Anyway I'm going to go get my chips and queso now... mmm...

I'm so ADD lol

Breathe.

I've been upset most of the day worrying about whether T and I are going to work out. I want to start Nursing School, but that means that T and I need to commit to each other for 3 years. He doesn't know what he should do, I guess. It's 3 o'clock and I haven't cleaned at all. I don't want to. I don't want to do anything right now, but after this I am going to clean up and start dinner
. I'm upset, obviously. And I was(am) trying to make an effort in the relationship, and I have before and given up before. And the reasons I've given up is because I don't feel like T tries. He acts like he is going to, and then he fails in some areas (usually the ones that matter most to me) and succeeds in other areas and constantly talks about those areas and how he tries so hard, and I just don't feel it. Maybe that makes me an insane bitch. I don't know. A lot of things are really getting to me right now.

My issues:
-I act like a brat

-When I don't feel like doing something I generally don't

-I don't like change

-I really like to be organized, and stress when things aren't

-When things are going badly I get extremely upset

What I'm trying to do to fix my issues (it's only been 4-5 days and yes I already feel like giving up and I will explain that in this too.):

-I've been trying to be more positive and not complain about little things that go wrong daily.

-When T wants head (which is what I mean about when I don't feel like doing something I don't. I'm talking about head, because that's the only thing I feel that T has ever expected out of me BDSM wise at least, besides wanting me to be nice all the time even when I feel like my submissive needs are never met, which is a big reason why I would always more or less say fuck you when he would try and make me give him head, I never feel like I'm being used or that I'm serving anyone and every time I put the illusion in my head that things I'm doing are for him.. he eventually bring me back to reality that everything I do is for myself not him.. because he doesn't want anything but head) I tell him whether I want to or not and accept his decision either way.

-I'm trying to accept change. I had a bad moment when he wanted to go to a restaurant I had never been to before. But instead of holding my ground and ruining the night like I usually do, I gave in... went into the bathroom and calmed down and then had a nice night with T.

-Here is where I just want to give up. I like to be organized. T started work last Wednesday. I thought everything was going to go back to normal, except better because we had figured out how to compromise on T's lack of remembering how to be responsible for things. Outlook! Wednesday while he was gone all day I had the Apartment looking perfect (for him, but then he reminded me how it's just for me), and I had Outlook set up for the next 3 months, and I put make up on, did my hair, and had dinner ready for him. Thursday and Friday he seemed to have disregarded Outlook. We had bills to be paid.. and I figured he just wanted to be with me and relax when he got home and that he would do it on the weekend. Wrong. I'm still debating whether he even looked at Outlook at all this weekend. Saturday night, yes, he did do a load of laundry for me and I appreciated it very much. But on Saturday he admitted all he did was touch his cock and eat sushi. It annoyed me slightly but I just figured he really needed a day like that after is Hilton Country Club Call Center job he had just got done working at the last 3 days (eh whatever). I figured he'll probably get things done on Sunday. I called him Sunday mid-day and he admitted to still having done nothing.. and I slipped in some reminders (which aggravated me a lot to do because he should have been looking at Outlook) and tried to brush it off that I had to do that, even though Outlooks purpose was to prevent me from feeling like I needed to. He realized that he couldn't get his car checked because it was Sunday and he took the trash out. And I may be wrong but I think that's all he did. He couldn't walk the printer downstairs to the lady who let him borrow it (he actually tried to put that on me today, which also added to the small amount of built up anger that I've had for the last 3 days), he couldn't pay two bills online while he sat on the computer most of the day, despite that fact that I told him Friday we got a notice from Insight saying they were going to cut us off and if they do there are going to be added fees, and he didn't go to the grocery store (which I don't mind going with him. It just would have been nice if he would get the items for me, while I keep track and use those items to make food/keep this place clean for him me. And that's all that was scheduled for him to do. Walk a printer downstairs, pay 2 bills online, and go to the Kroger 2 minutes away with the lists. But he didn't. And it aggravates me. He can pay the bills and take the printer down today, but he probably wont.. and we can't get groceries till tomorrow.. so I'm stuck eating Hamburger Helper tonight... mmmmm -eye roll-. I was making an effort, and I compromised. I even keep track of Outlook for him because I know he wont remember to put things in it. ALL he had to do and promised to do was to keep up with Outlook (and move things to the next day if he wasn't going to do it, but he didn't put anything on Monday and not doing all those things on the weekend when he didn't have to work is ignorant. He has had that Lady's printer for more then a few days, when he could just walk in down there, and there is no excuse to procrastinate on paying bills you could pay while reading Slate especially when one of them sent a notice that it is about to get cut off and there are fees). That is what makes me want to give up.


But instead on focusing on that one major thing that I ask of him, he doesn't. I'm trying to (even though he said we aren't in a BDSM relationship) be submissive to him and focus on working 2 days a week, cleaning, cooking, school, and making him happy. BUT I CAN'T I can't focus on what I need to do because I have to focus on everything T needs to do because he won't do it himself. And I'm never going to be able to fully submit to him and let go of things if he can't keep his promises. That's all I wanted from him was to keep track of things, and when he brought up Outlook I thought things were really going to change. Wrong, wrong and wrong. But every time I mention this he lists off everything he does for me.

-Cuddles
-Gets me chocolate
-Lets me buy things when I ask for it
-Takes showers with me
-???? I don't even know what else.. because

IT'S NOT WHAT MAKES ME WANT TO BE A SUBMISSIVE AND LET GO FOR HIM. And he doesn't understand this!!!! I love cuddling, yes.. and he buys me chocolate.. great... if I could drive I'd buy myself chocolate.. He takes showers with me because I like to be close to him... okay great.. None of that makes me want to submit to him. Him taking control of our bank account (and I don't just mean telling me no I can't have Salted Vinegar Chips, I mean PAYING OUR BILLS with out me having to say something and write it out on Outlook 6 times!!! I should only have to write it once and him go "oh yeah" and do it!!!!), him working twice as much as me (which he now does and I am very happy that he has a job and I know he is a lot happier because of it!), him using me.. and I don't mean shoving my head in his crotch. Yes I feel used but it makes me feel bad about myself when he would just rather lay back and close his eyes while I suck his dick every single day...playing with me once and awhile will not only make me feel wanted but it makes me feel like hes actually sexually attracted to me... I want to be played with and feel like I am purposeful and that he is getting his needs out on me.... in the last near six months I can remember every "play session" we've had.. because we've had such few.. and I also remember every single time being the one that initiated it when he probably would have just tried to get me to give him head, and that hurts and yeah does build up anger and that should be more understood. I'm never actually put in my place as a submissive either (and that's not because I refuse punishments, and the reason I refuse them is because I'm not in a submissive mindset anyway because of the lack of feeling/reminder that I am even suppose to be one for him!), and.... I don't know.

I'm getting so upset now. The reason I am writing this is not to bitch or threaten or be mean or give up.... it's because if T would truly understand all of this, and not be lazy and actually work at using Outlook and work on being a Dominant 24/7 if he wants me to be his submissive 24/7 (because right now I feel like what he wants from BDSM is a 24/7 submissive, but he only has to be Dominant 15-30 minutes a day when hes shoving his cock in my face), and stop thinking that I am so shallow that chocolate and cuddling is going to make me feel submissive and really start emotionally and physically treating me the way I want so that I can be his submissive, if that would just all magically happen and work out.... I know we'd be together for a long time and our relationship would be better then either of us has ever imagined. And what scares me is that I don't think T has the real drive or even want to do it. I think at this point it's just all given up. Like this is all being figured out too late. He can just find another girl who will feel submissive even when she isn't being treated like one. And he wont have to work as hard as he would have to in this relationship. That scares me and hurts me and it's taken me almost 2 hours to write this just because I keep crying and I can't see to type... I just wish that T would put in as much effort as I am trying to right now. I know he said that it's my turn to save this.... but I don't agree. In the past he didn't do anything (anything permanent at least) to save this except think that simple materialistic things would be enough to make me happy and make promises he hasn't really kept. We both need to make a real effort. Every real BDSM blog I've ever read all those couples struggle but the difference between theirs and our relationship is that they try as hard as they can. T says he does and has tried.. but.. I just don't fully agree... and that may make him mad or hurt him.. but like I said chocolate and cuddling isn't going to make everything better. Real effort needs to be put in.


T, this is for you to read... and I want you to tell me what you think. I'm not being irrational, and I'm not trying to bullshit anything. I'm trying to be real. I'm trying to save this and be with you because I love you more then anything, and I mean that. I just want to know if your willing to make a real effort with me. Because this really is our last shot.


Marie

Morrrrning.

I don't really like waking up in the morning after I've gone back to sleep when T leaves. I forget that he left so when I wake up I'm all ":(" for a minute.. hah.. oh well. I haven't done much today so far but I've only been up for about an hour. I got to move a bunch of stuff in Outlook to today so T knows it needs to be done. And clean and get laundry together so I can start it when T gets home... lol.


Yesterday was nice after work. Went out to eat with Matt and friends... then went to the homemade icecream and pie place... mm... came home and cuddled with matt, and then passed out! Then the morning came.... and I made him eggs and bacon... and then had my face fucked which was not enjoyable at all. But its not suppose to be for me, right? mmmm anyway...



marie

HEEEEHEEEE.

I love how for the past THREE days the apartment has stayed clean. O-m-g I love it. The only things misplaced in the livingroom is nail polish and self-tanner. BWAHAHA. I do need to do dishes today, and the laundy.. but I need quarters first. Then when T comes home with whatever he buys from Kroger I'll make that for dindin. Unless it's steak, I don't know how to make it and it's to expensive to ruin.. so T will make that, ha.

I had such a weird dream last night. It's been buggin me. I had a dream I was like 3 months pregnant and lost it and like I had it wrapped up and I was looking at it and it looked weird but it had brown eyes and brown hair and it was a boy. What the fuck? I was also living in Willow Creek (and I lived there when I was like 14 lol) and I was like hiding it from T and crying. I don't know why the fuck I had that dream. I do know that my tampon is really hurting me though. The Nuvaring has been making me have shocking pains like right above my cervix.. it's not a cramp it's a sharp pain that lasts for about 30 seconds and comes back several times a day. Sometimes worse, sometimes not as bad. Well now my tampon is making me have that feeling as well. Except it hurts about 8x more and the shocking pains are in my booty hole as well. I don't know what thats all about. Usually it's when I keep the tampon in for too long. TSS? I don't know much about TSS.. so who knows. So I kept it out for awhile and went to sleep.. woke up with a little mess (oops?) and put a tampon back in.. and now I'm having those pains again but not as bad right now and they are constant not going away and coming back, and they are not cramps. Oh well. I guess I can't do anything about it.

Anyway. My brother never paid me yesterday but I got a friend to take me to get my check and I bought him some Starbucks as a thanks. MMM I love Starbucks! Hah. So T and I went to the Cheese Cake Factory. It was soo good. Then we wen't downtown and walked around a park on a river. It was nice, just a little too cold! Unfortunatly I got a headache so I wasn't much fun when we got home. We watched a show and we just went to bed at 9. Then I woke up at 3 from that weird dream and T wanted a blow job but I turned him down... and felt bad.. but blah... he didnt mind. We went back to sleep and woke up at 6 and then he got his blow job.. mmm.. I was tired though.. haha shouldn't have been since I slept for a really, really long time...

That's pretty much it right now...

marieeeeee

RAWR, It's 11:08AM

I've been up for about an hour now. I've eaten some Oatmeal, laid in bed, played on myspace, and now I'm bored. So I decided I could write here and kill about 30 minutes. I don't have much to do today except clean up all the dishes, throw some things in the hamper, straighten things up a bit... I could mop, but I probably wont. I need a new mop, a new broom, and a vacuum. I never understood WHY there were always 934194381 choices for mops and brooms... but I have come to realize the cheap ones suck! I want this thing that sweeps and mops all in one. Someone I know has one and it is awesome as fuck. Probably expensive too, so I don't know when I'll be getting that exactly, plus it could help if I knew what it was called. Anyway..at 12... T will call me.. and then I'll eat some chicken nuggets, clean everything up, possibly watch TV(probably not), take a shower, do my haaaaair, make up and put on something cute. It'll probably be about 3:30-4:00 then. Hopefully I'll know by then whether my brother is sending me the 250 or not, so I know whether to take some meat out of the freezer or not.. blah.... I hope he sends it! If he does T and I are going to the Cheesecake Factory! Mmmmm! I texted my brother this morning and he said he was going to send it, I gave him my info -justtomakesure- and he said that he'll give me this control number and that's what I give the people to get my money from Western Union. I know what he is talking about, but I still think they want you to have each others information as well. So when T finally came home from work last night I was suuuuuuuper happy. I didn't have dinner ready though. I was running late because I didn't know what to do with the chicken. But my mom told me something yummy I could put on it but I had to marinate it for 30 minutes which is what put me behind. T seemed to like the chicken a lot, it had a very strong taste from the marinade so the Mac and Cheeeeese was almost tastless (to me at least). My two friends came over for a little while as well. I felt bad because I know I wasn't making them feel very welcomed, which is why I think they left 45 minutes after they came. I don't know. I invited them over early in the day because I wanted them to come over before T got home because I really wanted to spend the night alone with him. But they showed up like 15 minutes after T got home. So after we ate T took a shower and when he got out I had cock in my mouth pretty quickly.. then we spent time together... had some more cock... spent more time together.. and had some more cock. Mmmm cock! It was a good night, wish I could of gotten fucked, but I's on my period. Which is why I got cock in my mouth 3 times! So I went to bed, and T came to bed an hour or so later.. and that was the night. This morning my alarm clock woke me at 6am and I made T breakfast. Eggs, jalapenos, beans, salsa, wrapped in a tortilla. Next time it'll have more salsa, sour cream, and shredded cheese (cuz T will remember to put it away! cough cough). After that... we messed around.. sorta??? HAHA anyway, he got ready for work and I went back to sleep and then woke up at 10. And if you've forgotten what I did when I woke up you can start reading from the beginning because this entry just made a circle.

marie

11:27 damn!! it only covere 19 minutes! lol

One

Yesterday T went on an interview, and today he has a job. He works from 8am to 5pm... Monday through Friday. What really sucks about that is the fact that I work Saturdays and Sundays. I have taken March 7th off.. so that will be the next time T and I have a whole day together. I want to take one day a month off.. but because I work 12 hour shifts, it uses up my personal days and vacation days faster. Like I may have 24 personal hours... and that would be 3 personal days for someone who works 8 hour shifts, but for me thats only 2 personal days for the whole year. At least I'm pretty sure that is how it works. I could request to get paid for only 8 hours of the 12, but then my checks would be much smaller (which soon might not matter?).. as for my vaction, I have no idea how much time I have there. I'd like to think at least 4 days worth.. I've been working there for a year and a half, but only 6 months of that was I working full time.. So I just don't know. Anywho... I set my alarm clock for 6am this morning and made T eggs and bacon while he took a shower. I'm pretty sure that made him happy :). After he left I went back to bed until about 10ish? Then I watched some TV, ate oatmeal, cleaned, took a shower and got cute and stuff.... and now it's 4:30.. so I need to kill 30 minutes before I start trying to figure out what in the world to make for dinner. We don't have much.. I'm tempted to tell T to just bring home some Mcdonalds... but we only have 20$ in our account, and it looks like I wont be able to get my money until Friday morning, if my friend agrees to take me. She isn't much of a morning person so I promised her a little gas money and starbucks. Hopefully that'll make her want to take me! I'll figure out something to eat, thanks to my mom!

marie

I am doing a super clean today.

I have decided that I am going to do it and I am not going to stop until it's 1000000000000000000000000% eat off of any part of this apartment clean. I just hope T stays away long enough for me to do it, hah. He is distracting as hell! He has two job interviews and there is a good chance that he will be getting one of the jobs, so that is excellent news. I'm also going to look up careerbuilder.com and see what else is out there for him. It's stressing me. But all we really need to do is make it to July. My mom is going to give me 4,000 of her inheritance and help me buy a car. I'm not sure if I am going to buy a 4,000 car or maybe put that down on a 6,000 dollar car or what. Because if I pay for a 4,000 dollar car I'm really getting a car that's worth like.... 2,000 and that makes me nervous. A 2,000 car doesn't sound very reliable. The Honda right now is running okay, but it does have transmission problems... and it's just an old ass car. I don't trust it to get me where I need to go for the next few years. The other car that died on us a week after paying 450 for it (gooo figure) wont start it's still in a Wal-Mart parking lot.. hah.. But we are thinking when it gets warmer that it will start. We are going to take it to a junk yard... even though they want to pay us like... 150-200 for it? It's still a 300 dollar loss... but right now we could use that cash. My friend told me about a place called Pull Apart.. apparently they pay more.. so we might take it to there. I really don't know what we are going to do with that car. It may be a 200 dollar fix.. but I don't even KNOW if I want that car.. I guess something smart to do would be to take it to AutoZone and let them run a free test thing on it to let us know.. and go from there... I'll see what T wants to do. I just don't even know if we can get it to AutoZone. Oh well. Enough about cars! The more I type and think about other things besides cleaning the less I want to clean.. eh... it needs to be done.

-Living room needs to be straightened up, dusted, vacuumed, CD's put away, filing cabinet needs reorganizing.

-Kitchen.. I dread this room... The fridge needs to be emptied and cleaned out, dishes need to be washed and put away, the oven needs to be cleaned inside and out, the silverware drawer needs to be cleaned, base boards need to be cleaning, floors swept and mopped, blinds dusted, trash taken out, trash can cleaned.

-Hallway needs to be swept and mopped and base boards need to be cleaned and utility door needs to be cleaned...

-Bathroom flat out needs to be scrubbed down... toliot, sink, tub.. trash needs to be thrown away, floors need to be bleached, blinds dusted.. basket reorganzized.... mirror cleaned

-Bedroom, another room that I don't want to clean. The dirty and clean clothes need to be seperated and put up. Trash needs to be cleaned, sex toys need to be cleaned and put away (lol), needs to be vaccumed, dusted, walls and base boards clean..

(I think I'm writing this all down so T knows EXACTLY what I did! :) is that bad? hah... oh well)

Well... blah... I'm going to go put on some yucky clothes and pull my hair up and get started on this... and when I'm done take a nice shower.. do my hair.. my make up.. and look adorable for T (hopefully!)


marie