"Who's are you?" Yours.

So the only person ever really there for me always is moving about 800 more or less miles from me in a few days. So the only person I have now, is you. And I'm really glad. I love you and want you always and hopefully I'll get what I want. ;). I know I may not "feel" submissive or "act" submissive at all times. But that doesn't change the fact that I am yours. Everything I do, how I think, all revolves around you. I don't care if that sounds obsessive or clingy. It's just the truth, and I feel that that is the way things should be.

I love you

Yes I enjoyed fucking this morning, no I'm not over last night

Now if you ask Him, I'm the nosiest mother fucking bitch in the world. That's when I feel I have a reason. I didn't think I did with you, but who knows now. Generally when I see someones talking about me... well... OF COURSE I'm going to continue to read, it's human nature. So I don't feel bad that I did even though it was accidently, especially since you gave me free reign to, like, two days ago. Anyway, three weeks before you met me, probably about a few days before we seriously started talking, you told her you 'missed the shit' out of her. About a month after that, you told me you loved me. A few weeks after that, you called me by her name. And about a month after that you said in almost these exact words "if she were to come down here and wanted to be with me, I would be with her in a heartbeat but you'd be staying!" Which I just told myself "don't think too much of that statement, it's not like he is talking to her. It's a girl from his past. Sometimes people miss/regret things, it's not like you don't wish certain thing have gone different in your life".

What I get from all of that is, you're not over her. You've made that pretty clear, especially since if you were over her, you wouldn't have called me by her name, you wouldn't have FLAT OUT told me you want to be with her, and you wouldn't have hidden the fact that you were talking to her. So if you're worried I'm going to be mad, oh I am. And not only am I mad about that whole situation, what's really shitty of you is that you told her how you think you and I are likely not to be together much longer. Now I have my theories as to why you would tell your ex who has no business knowing about our personal relationship that, and my main reason that I'm concerned about is the fact you are not over her. You want her to know there is a possibility that you're going to be single in the near future. I'm not stupid. And no I'm not jealous of Jen or her. I have found nothing to be jealous about in either of them. Jen was just mostly an annoyance. I tried to be nice to her, and she tried to be nice to me in front of you. Now back to the other girl, honestly, I think you have no business talking to her. A nice "hey how you doing" is cool, but "oh I don't think me and my sub vs gf are going to last very much longer" is not cool and not something I find appropriate to be talking to your ex about, and will not be tolerated. And will not be forgiven and definitely not forgotten. So if you ever do it again, well, you're going to make the statement true. I love you but what you're doing constitutes as treating me like shit. And your either going to stop or I'm going to go to Florida. And the other girl on CM you have been recently talking to, I'm pretty sure I know who she is too. And I don't mind that you're talking to her, and yes I read what you were saying to her. You've never called me by her name, you've never said you want to be with her, and you haven't been telling her about our personal relationship (as far as I know and if you are I suggest you stop before I find out). Which makes me fine with you talking to that girl. One thing I really think you need to do is start talking to people you haven't fucked/gotten your dick sucked by. The only people you communicate with are me/exs/family. And it's kind of disrespectful towards me to have no other people to talk to besides people you have been intimate with. It makes me uncomfortable and you should be understanding of that, and this should have never come to be what it is right now.


So yeah, maybe you're going to think I'm a nosey bitch now, but you've given me reason to. And when I feel comfortable enough to trust you again, I'll stop.

Oh yeah happy four months and merry fucking christmas.



marie

Now a vagina dam is for when you'd like to have oral sex, now you want you and your partner to be protected... and they also come in different flavors

Last night T and I were tired so we ate dinner, watched a minute of television and headed to bed. Where of course, my silly self decides to ask him to fuck me. I wasn't tired enough to get fucked but I certainly was too tired to do the fucking, which is what T had in mind. So I told him no and he didn't accept that as an excuse. Damn him! Ha ha.. So it got to the point where T decided I needed to be punished. So I froze and gave him the -fucknoyou'reinsane- look, although it was pitch black dark, so I don't think he saw it. Of course he could tell that I was frozen and scared but T convinced me to -submit- and not be such a big baby. Yeah, yeah he did.. certainly not how most of our nights like that ended up, so it's progress for sure. Anyway I "assumed the position" and took a very light spanking with this caney type thing. It wasn't hard enough to leave any marks, which is good since I was going to the Doctor the next day, and it wasn't hard enough to make me cry, but it was hard enough that I don't want him to touch me with that thing again. I held my breath the whole time.. like that's gonna help? Yeah I know, I'm weird. In the end Master was fucked and then had his dick sucked, and then we cuddled up together and fell asleep.

So about the Doctor. It was kind of a weird experience. It was a bunch of older ladies running this clinic and one of them took me into a classroom to "teach" me things before I went to talk to the Doctor. She showed me a display of the female anatomy, and had me put a condom on this dildo type thing. It was very embarrassing, but it was just me and her in the room. She also showed me how I could put in a female condom, what a dental dam was, and for the finale she encouraged me to get my man to wrap his stuff, eh.... I'm getting red in the face thinking about everything she "taught" me (I already knew). I love sex, and I like writing about it here because lets face it, no one who reads this knows who I am.. it's just such a personal thing to me and I just don't want to talk to some old lady about how to put condoms on, ya know? After that I had my BP taken, my weight and height and then was told to sit in this tiny cold room and wait for the Doctor. Thankfully, she just talked about my history and how it's important for me to check myself for breast cancer and get checked often by a professional. She didn't do any type of physical exam. I'm REALLY glad because I really didn't want to have to lay back with my vagina exposed for the Doctor after being humiliated in the classroom with the old lady. Anyway, I decided to go on the patch. Hopefully it will work out for me. My reasons were A) I suck at taking pills daily B) I don't want anything up my vagina all the time C) I hate shots D) I didn't want that weird needle thing (I don't know what it's called?) E) If I got an IUD I'd have to set up an appointment somewhere else, and I really just want to be protected. Now I can mark one more thing off my "worry list" that I have created in my head. The patch just seemed to be a good choice. I just have to remember every Thursday to apply a new patch. Doesn't seem like it's going to be too complicated.

marie

Let go, god damn it

So yesterday I didn't do much of anything but sit here on this computer, ha. I did clean up the apartment before T came home and had a yummy dinner ready for him. Like always he was pleased. We ate dinner and then continued to fool around (hey we're young, it's all we think about, ha ha). I went down on him (which is usually an everyday more then once a day thing, so you'll be hearing that a lot) and then he doggie style fucked me, or well we were in the position but I was the one pumping him in and out while he was on top of me half paying attention watching Tudors. There were no handcuffs, ropes, dirty nasty talk, blindfolds, nipple clamps... or anything of that sort. I texted him earlier in the day I wanted him to use me in any way he wanted. Of course he can whether I tell him I really want him to or not, but what I had in mind involved a little bit more kinkiness. But as long as T got out of me what he wanted I am happy with that. I'm still getting into the mindset that it's Master decision what he does to me and wants out of me and not mine (even though I really wish he woulda used some handcuffs, nipple clamps, blindfolds and did naughty things to me with out me being able to resist ;) ). After fucking we watched Tudors for a little while longer and then went to bed. We had a nice conversation and defined our relationship for sure. We are Master/slave, not boyfriend/girlfriend and I am happy with that. After that talk he ordered me to get him a glass of water and to come back to bed and snuggle.

This morning he woke me up wanting me to give him head (see!). I was so tired and had a headache so I very nicely said no. I felt bad because the last few days I've been in my own little submissive world and have been absolutely loving it, but I just wasn't feeling it this morning. He didn't care this morning and repeatedly told me to put my mouth where he wanted it, but I resisted to the point where he just ended up finishing in my mouth. I was glad but disappointed in myself, but I probably still wouldn't change that fact that I protested. It's hard to wake up when you're being shoved out of a deep sleep and then on top of it you wake up with a headache right behind both of your eyes. Excuses, excuses, excuses.. I know.. and I've been reminding myself of that all day. I almost wish I did get punished.. but not the kind he would have chosen, fuck that belt! The fact that instead of threatening to punish me, or forcing me, or forcing me and punishing me makes me believe that maybe does know I want to please him and that if I am saying no to an order I must have a real excuse for it. Whether he accepts my excuses are up to him, but so far he has and makes the situation easier for me (like just finishing in my mouth instead of face fucking me and making my headache worse). I'm worried trouble in our relationship will start when he doesn't accept my excuse. I know I will still continue to say no because I will feel like I have a legit reason, and I forget and even when reminded in the moment deny the fact that it is HIS decision and not my own. I'm also terrified of the belt and think anyone who lays down and takes a beating from that must secretly love it to some extent, as where I do not TO ANY EXTENT LOVE THAT EVIL FUCKER. I wish that my Master would choose punishments that are less physically painful. Again.. up to him... eh... Edit: I just deleted the last half of this. I need to stop bitching/worrying/questioning and let go, and having what I just wrote down does not help me with any of that at all. So I had to delete it.


Anyway. Doctors tomorrow! NOT excited. I'm scared and worried and afraid and I just want to cancel my appointment. I've never been to the gyno and I really wish I wasn't a female right now. It's not fair, men don't have to go hardly as much as women! I don't want a stranger looking at my personal parts... no one has, except T and one doctor. And when that doctor did I cried the whole way home, and that's when I was 12. T's my first, and I still cover up when he's directly looking down there. I just don't like it, it's MY personal stuff. And I'm gonna have some cold metal spreader thing open me up so they can swab me and...my mom said they may stick their finger up my butt??!?!?!!!?? yuck.... I wish I could cancel this appointment. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this.


Have a nice day everyone.

marie

I'm a useful slut

So T just left for work. I miss him already.. ha ha I think I am crazy.  This morning was pretty nice. We woke up at a decent time and went out to the local community college where T wanted to prove a point that he didn't need to sign up for classes just yet.. well we didn't have change to park and you need a parking pass to park and although he is a student he does not have one so we ended up going home. On our way home we bought Starbucks :D. He's so good to me! So we came home and drank our Starbucks and I started to get really horny. So I unzipped his pants and got on my knees and sucked his dick and had my face fucked. It was nice. I wanted him to fuck me but he just wanted a blow job and I didn't protest or complain. I was just happy to make him happy. Afterwards the feeling I got from satisfying him was probably a better and more satisfying feeling for myself then if I had bitched and gotten fucked. I asked him to go down on me and I laid with my legs spread hoping he would please me. He teased me while he finished watching his TV show and then he rewarded me with face and a really nice orgasm. He asked me to beg him to cum, and I said I can't.. which I wish I wouldn't have said, because I need to get over my shyness and do what I'm told to do. I planned on doing it anyway, but I think he wanted me to hurry up and be done or he assumed I wasn't going to obey him so he said "cum" and I tried to hurry up and finish. Which for some reason kind of threw me off and made me take a little longer. I think it was because I wasn't begging like I thought I should have been, since he asked. But either way it was a lovely orgasm he gave me and I felt amazingly useful and good. He was very pleased with me and I was ecstatic that he was. It's my goal. Although we still haven't had a talk about redefining our relationship and what it exactly is (which I know we are gonna, because he said something today about wanting to talk about it) I think that the BDSM part of it is really starting to improve. And he agrees. He doesn't really punish me for when I don't listen but the not listening part isn't much of an issue (it is, but it's hardly at the level it was a month ago). I haven't refused or complained much about anything, so when I say no because I'm tried or don't feel well it doesn't seem anger him quite as much as it use to and he lets it go more often. I think he knows that I'm only really starting to say no when I feel I have a real reason and not because I'm being a bratty bitch. Eventually when our relationship is defined though I'm sure he will get back into punishing me for refusal so that one day the word no doesn't ever leave my mouth. But it's all progress anyway, and I am happy.

marie

New

So this is my *new* private blog. Or shall I say anonymous, its not neccissarily private since anyone can read it. I just need a spot where I can express myself freely about how I feel. Things I probably wouldn't say in my real life. I think it will be beneficial for my relationship with my "boyfriend", family and friends. Sometimes you just need to vent privately and not take it out on your loved ones. So hopefully this will help me.

So let me go ahead and say somethings about myself so I can sound a bit more interesting (assuming anyone will ever read this, who knows!).

I'm 18 years old. I am about to enroll in some online classes at my local community college, and have a part-time job. Hmm. I have a "boyfriend". Hes my on again off again Dominant (but always my boyfriend!) and we live together. For all who are shocked and confused... that means that I am interested in having an alternative lifestyle. BDSM. Google it if you're still confused. Anyway.. I am struggling with my submission and this is my first real relationship. Dominant or boyfriend. He's my first, so he puts up with A LOT more than most boyfriends and especially Dominants would and I am grateful for that. I am struggling with letting go and submitting to someone, and he is teaching me that its okay to let go and be my true self. He shows me daily that he loves me for who I truely am, flaws and all. It's a very exciting/scary/emotional road he has me traveling, but I wouldn't choose anything to ever be different. Our good times and bad will defiantly be recorded in this blog. This will be like my written journey through my BDSM relationship with T.

marie