Let go, god damn it

So yesterday I didn't do much of anything but sit here on this computer, ha. I did clean up the apartment before T came home and had a yummy dinner ready for him. Like always he was pleased. We ate dinner and then continued to fool around (hey we're young, it's all we think about, ha ha). I went down on him (which is usually an everyday more then once a day thing, so you'll be hearing that a lot) and then he doggie style fucked me, or well we were in the position but I was the one pumping him in and out while he was on top of me half paying attention watching Tudors. There were no handcuffs, ropes, dirty nasty talk, blindfolds, nipple clamps... or anything of that sort. I texted him earlier in the day I wanted him to use me in any way he wanted. Of course he can whether I tell him I really want him to or not, but what I had in mind involved a little bit more kinkiness. But as long as T got out of me what he wanted I am happy with that. I'm still getting into the mindset that it's Master decision what he does to me and wants out of me and not mine (even though I really wish he woulda used some handcuffs, nipple clamps, blindfolds and did naughty things to me with out me being able to resist ;) ). After fucking we watched Tudors for a little while longer and then went to bed. We had a nice conversation and defined our relationship for sure. We are Master/slave, not boyfriend/girlfriend and I am happy with that. After that talk he ordered me to get him a glass of water and to come back to bed and snuggle.

This morning he woke me up wanting me to give him head (see!). I was so tired and had a headache so I very nicely said no. I felt bad because the last few days I've been in my own little submissive world and have been absolutely loving it, but I just wasn't feeling it this morning. He didn't care this morning and repeatedly told me to put my mouth where he wanted it, but I resisted to the point where he just ended up finishing in my mouth. I was glad but disappointed in myself, but I probably still wouldn't change that fact that I protested. It's hard to wake up when you're being shoved out of a deep sleep and then on top of it you wake up with a headache right behind both of your eyes. Excuses, excuses, excuses.. I know.. and I've been reminding myself of that all day. I almost wish I did get punished.. but not the kind he would have chosen, fuck that belt! The fact that instead of threatening to punish me, or forcing me, or forcing me and punishing me makes me believe that maybe does know I want to please him and that if I am saying no to an order I must have a real excuse for it. Whether he accepts my excuses are up to him, but so far he has and makes the situation easier for me (like just finishing in my mouth instead of face fucking me and making my headache worse). I'm worried trouble in our relationship will start when he doesn't accept my excuse. I know I will still continue to say no because I will feel like I have a legit reason, and I forget and even when reminded in the moment deny the fact that it is HIS decision and not my own. I'm also terrified of the belt and think anyone who lays down and takes a beating from that must secretly love it to some extent, as where I do not TO ANY EXTENT LOVE THAT EVIL FUCKER. I wish that my Master would choose punishments that are less physically painful. Again.. up to him... eh... Edit: I just deleted the last half of this. I need to stop bitching/worrying/questioning and let go, and having what I just wrote down does not help me with any of that at all. So I had to delete it.


Anyway. Doctors tomorrow! NOT excited. I'm scared and worried and afraid and I just want to cancel my appointment. I've never been to the gyno and I really wish I wasn't a female right now. It's not fair, men don't have to go hardly as much as women! I don't want a stranger looking at my personal parts... no one has, except T and one doctor. And when that doctor did I cried the whole way home, and that's when I was 12. T's my first, and I still cover up when he's directly looking down there. I just don't like it, it's MY personal stuff. And I'm gonna have some cold metal spreader thing open me up so they can swab me and...my mom said they may stick their finger up my butt??!?!?!!!?? yuck.... I wish I could cancel this appointment. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this.


Have a nice day everyone.

marie