I am really dreading this weekend. It's suppose to be my last weekend working my 12 hour Baylor shift. I know this should be a happy weekend because it's my last, but it's going to be miserable. And not because I'm sad to go, oh no! BECAUSE it's going to be a never fucking ending weekend. I already know it. This is the weekend I like the least (certain people who work every other weekend, yeah this is their weekend to work). I really do regret taking the CNA class in high school. I've been doing this type of work for a year and 8 months and I'm already way past burnt out. I've been burnt out the last 6 months. I love taking care of people, but I just can't do it as a CNA title anymore. I just can't. Kentucky has no laws on how much staff is required for patient care, and nursing homes are businesses... So of course they are going to staff as little as they can get away with. I also can't stand being on the bottom of the nursing chain. I'm not respected in my position, I'm either belittled by nurses or they are giving to much credit to certain aides and their ability to their job with out any type of supervision. And then work isn't done. Which just makes it harder for anyone that is trying to do their job the best that they can. My voice, if I bother to speak up about anything, goes unheard or I make myself liable for something (whether I actually had involvement in it or not, just for speaking up can get you into shit). It's ridiculous. And I've worked with plenty of other aides, good and bad, and they all say nursing homes are pretty much equally crappy. I believe it's the lack of laws for nursing homes in Kentucky, honestly. Most really good nursing homes have little turnover. Good nursing homes weed out bad staff fast and rehire fast, and then good nurses and aides working at a good place, DO NOT LEAVE. So it's a challenge to work at a really good nursing home. Blah. God I feel like crying right now. That's how badly I do not want to go to work these next two days. I hate literally breaking my back for patients who should be.. dead. I mean, they really should. The medicines they are on aren't HELPING they aren't even MAINTAINING quality of life.. they are just slowing down the decline.. and I mean, when someones declining to the point where they can no longer maintain or improve, put them on hospice and let them go with dignity, ya know? All these medicines do is keep them alive to the point where they are mush full of bed sores laying in a bed with a feeding tub. It's fucking sad. Health care just needs to change. The goal should not be make someone live forever and ever and ever and ever. It should be help someone maintain/improve their quality of life until they can't. And then ease and comfort them in their decline and let them go in peace. I don't understand who or how anyone can disagree with that! Apparently enough people do, though. Or there wouldn't be patients like some of the ones that I have. I know it's complicated, I mean, what is quality of life anyway? Everyone has their own special definition. Eh, if -you- have the money to make yourself live forever and ever and ever, then by god, live forever. I don't care. But I personally don't think my tax dollars should be spent on keeping a 97 year old bed ridden Alzheimer's patient with a feeding tube alive just because his wife doesn't want to accept or doesn't have the education to understand that he is never going to improve and put him on hospice. Just my opinion.

Back to what I was talking about, my job. I just need to be done working as a CNA. Unless it's a third shift gig where I'm sitting in a chair in the middle of the hall 60% of the night waiting for someone to press their call light for me to fill up their ice cup. I know it sounds lazy and terrible, but I just can't keep doing what I do anymore. It breaks my heart, it breaks my back (literally), and I just need to go to school and be a nurse already! I really do resent my mom, a lot, especially right now. If it wasn't for her sucking money out of me my senior year, I could have had a car and I could be more then half way done with earning my LPN. It makes me sick and want to cry thinking about that. That's where I should be right now. T seriously is heaven sent. If it wasn't for him I'd still be living with Lisa. And assuming I was paying her 600 a month still, and saving the other 500 I'd have left over (I'm taking 100 because I sort of need things like food, smokes, gas money to pay friends when they drive all the way out to where she lives to get me/hang out with me) I'd only have... 2500 saved. Hardly enough to buy a car (and have money left over for when the over priced used piece of shit car breaks down). I'd still have about 5 more months of saving. So August. That would be the month I'd finally get a car. And it would be too late to apply for school starting in October. So I'd have to wait till January. And then instead of the one year LPN class, I'd be taking the 21 month one because I'll need to work more and save more money. GAH. Does that not sound like a HORRIBLE situation? Maybe for some that would be an amazing situation compared to what they may currently be in.. but that was the nightmare situation I was facing before I moved in with T. Now that I live with T. I can go to school (most likely starting in July) and if it gets too tough, I can just not work. Because T will be there for me and support me. And when my schooling is done, I can return the favor. Honestly, if we didn't have eachother... finishing school wouldn't be as close in our future as it is now.


My period started finally. I feel bloated and crabby because of it too. And my shoulders and back ache. I don't care if it's from the bed, from sharing a bed, from my pillow. I DON'T CARE what or how I'm being hurt in my sleep but it NEEDS to stop. I'm restless because of it. I don't sleep well, I don't want to move or do anything during the day because it friggen hurts, and it just puts me in a really terrible mood. I want to cry right now because of it (and my job, and the fact that I'm on my period). I've been dealing with this shoulder/neck/back pain/hip pain since I've moved in and started sleeping in bed with T. I usually ignore it, or it goes away for a while (I wish I could figure out why), or I deal with it, or I break and flip out about it... and I'm coming back to the breaking and flipping out part of this cycle. I just want to feel normal. I want to sleep and wake up and feel rested and not be achey or sore. I know, I KNOW this can't be a normal feeling. It just can't be.

Well I need to go straighten up, try not to be miserable, shower.. and then T should be home and I'm going to try and be happy as possible with him even though I feel like crying about my job, my shoulders, my neck, my hip, AND my period right now.
marie