fool.

You know I sort of feel like a fool. I feel like I'm putting myself in a really stupid bad situation sometimes. Two weeks ago T and I had a huge argument... okay, maybe we've had worse, but it was the most damaging. I'm still hurt by it of course, not to the point where I want to go cry over it or anything but yeah. The gist of it is, is T betrayed my trust, lied to me, and then got mad at me for snooping around his things. Which shit, if I felt like I could trust him and that he wouldn't lie to me anymore, I probably wouldn't be snooping around his shit in the first place. I didn't use to till the first time I found him talking to his exes. Now maybe you personally don't see any issue with your significant other talking to their exes.. and that's good for you. But I don't see it the same way, and I expressed this to T and asked him not to talk to them. And he said he wouldn't, and then he did anyway. So it goes beyond just "so what if he talked to his ex?" like some people get stuck on. It's not about that. It's about the fact that he flat out disrespected me and disregarded my feelings. And then lied about it. And then got mad at me about it. That's what's taking a really, really long time to get over. And the fact that in one of his texts he wrote the 5 stages of grievance: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. It really fucked me up when did that one, which is I guess what he was going for. I just couldn't understand why he was doing this to me. Why wasn't he begging for my forgivness for being such a hurtful asshole? Why was he going out of his way to upset me and make me cry? And then I said I was done. And he not only was fine with that he told me he was packing my shit and to call my mom for a plane ticket. What the hell? So yeah, I'm over all that mess almost. Just the fact when I was breaking it off with him how he reacted. And to put myself in a position to just be able to be thrown out like that is really stupid of me. It's like I don't have a stable place to live. Like, at the moment yes but in the long run, who knows? It's stupid for me to put myself in a shitty position where I can find myself back living with Lisa or having to move to another state because my boyfriend is kicking me out of his place. Because we don't live in our place or my place. We live in his place. And the fact that he said he was 'packing my shit' and that I needed to call my mom... just wow. If he is willing to say that to me once, he'll say it again, and who knows when he'll actually do it, and I'm dumb to think he wouldn't. So I don't know. I really need to think about stuff, maybe start up my own little savings account. I just don't feel like I have any money really anyway to save. Like yeah working Baylor if we split the bills right down the middle and kept track of who spent what instead of paying everything together I'm sure I'd have a small savings by now (if I even thought to save when I first moved into his place) but this isn't the case. And now that I wont be working near enough to even claim half of the bills. I really just have no money at all to save anyway. I don't even have the right to save a dollar really, it's not mine anyway. So I don't know. I also need him for school and he needs me for it as well. So, who knows if the decisions I'm making right now are going to turn out to be total fucking stupid decisions or if I'll have my fairy tale ending that I dream about in my head. Live and learn, I guess. So.. here goes.