Crazy?

I'm SUPPOSE to start my period today, but this stupid birth control makes me play the guessing game more then... well.. not being on birth control. Lol. Anyway! T's working till 9pm :( I'm sad. I miss him! And I want some sex... some AMAZZZZZING sex.. I mean, we've been having good sex.. But I want amazzzzzing sex... I guess I mean I want MORE then just sex. I want dirty, nasty, yummy sex. Argggggggh and I'm not going to get it tonight! T will be too tired, fuck. I probably really won't get it till waay next week when I finally have a saturday off and T and I have the whole day together.

I think the issue with the constant feeling of not being used enough and blahdeblah is T doesn't know what I want. Like he does... but okay? He knows and doesn't do it.. so now what.. it's frustrating.. He pretty much told me everything I like.. first he is like.. you like this.. wait no you don't.. oh yeah you do.. so I guess there is some confusion but it's not like he couldnt TRY something and see how I react? Hello dominant?? (yeah I'm getting mouthy I'm friggen horny and alone and not gettin shit tonight thanks to his stupid job keeping him late.. plus this blog is for my bitching, so I don't bitch at T mmmkay I'm bad at expressing myself) It's not like he hasn't done what I like before.. god damn... did I act freaked out like I didn't want it? Noooo.. so do it fucking again, helllooooo??? But I'm thinking it's not REALLY something he needs to get off.. so screw me I guess... Eh.. I know that isn't exactly how T feels but christ right now I'm horny and I know I'm going to get stuck sucking dick and thats it tonight. I should be *happy* to please him.. and I AM! But I'M HORNY GAAAAAAAAAHHHH. I want dirty nasty slutty hardcore sex and I fucking want it now!!!!!! I don't want to just bend over and wam bam we're done do some fucking shit to meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee already!




ANYWHO. I've now annoyed myself. 1 more hour till T is home. One more one more one more... I'm thinking about doing a quick straightening up and shower.. should kill the hour and 36 minutes I have till he is home.

marie

Argh, Waterrr!

I don't understand why T can't fill the water pitcher back up when it empties. LALALALA. Little things like that drive me nuts! Lol. I'm not mad about it or anything, but it's just nice to do... like putting the toliot paper on the roll thing when it's out. T doesn't do that either!

One of the nurses I work with never fills her water pitcher back up. Most of the patients have to take their medicines crushed in apple sauce and she gives them a cup of water with it. Well when her pitcher runs out of water, she just gives them their med's with out the water. It just seems mean, like that's gross.. warm apple sauce thats sat on her cart all day and meds.. and no water?? I've filled it up a few times. rawr. ts home bye lol

Whee!

You wanna know my FAVORITE part about picking through mixed dirty and clean laundry? Having to sniff T's underwear to see which ones are dirty or not (provided they don't have any fart stains). Joy, joy, joy!

Oh how I love him


Marie

IS YOUR DOM ABUSIVE?

I'm bored. and I've been reading random sites for submissives. Kinda like T's version of slate but just for submissives, I guess. And I'm reading currently about if my Doms abusive!! Lol. So I didn't feel like just reading all the questions so I'm going to read and answer them here :O. Lets see if I'm being abused! :)


Does he reject your right to decide if you'll use birth control? no
Does he reject your right to decide whether to work at a paid job? no but don't some submissives let their Doms choose whether they work? Idk why that would be a sign of abuse
Does he refuse to let you spend time alone? no i get too much time alone i think lol
Is he upset you have other friends? no but he doesnt some of dem
Is he displeased at your accomplishments and ambitions? no lol
Does he have trouble accepting the fact that women can and should be wise, worldly, confident, strong, decisive and independent as men? no
Does he refuse to talk and listen? he talks a lot a alot a lot and he listens to me
Does he hide from you the fact that his feelings are hurt? no
Does he think its bad for men to show they are weak or vulnerable and to cry sometimes - aside from after he has abused you? no? lol
Is he unable to express affection aside from the times he's sorry for abusing you and when he wants, or you are having sex? he gives me lots of affection
Are there some special traits about women's ability to express emotions, willingness to be vulnerable, that he admires ? idk??
Does he dislike or degrade his mother or sister? no sista and he doesnt like his momma
Does he lack good friends? he doesnt have a lot of friends but im pretty sure the reasons are 1.) if he is single he isnt concerned about having friends, hes lookin for a girl and obv. those generally dont end in friendship 2.) he is with me or at work a lot and i dont see him wanting to go out and make a bunch of friends on his only days off a week 3.) he isnt from here so he doesnt have like friends from hs or anything
Does he lack interests besides you? no he needs to be interested in me moreeeee sometimes
When angry, does he break or throw things? no
Does he lose his temper over small things, especially when he doesn't perform as well as he would like? performing not well at things pisses him off yeah
Does he ask you about other men in your past life? no lol but there isnt noneeeeee
does he want to know where you have been when you have been out? not really he knows because i tell him almost my day to day everything but he isnt like who what where when why ever
Does he believe husbands should make the important decisions? idk?
Does he reject your opinion? no
Does he think there are any circumstances in which it is okay for a man to hit a woman? yeah, like punishments
Is he jealous of your friends or relatives? no lolol
Does he think you are with another man when you are not home when he calls? no
Does he think men should earn more than women in the same job? no i think he thinks that people who do better should be paid more
Does he especially want baby boys and associates fathering boys with masculinity? idk??? i want boys does that mean something?
Does he think you have enough education even though you want to go to school? no
Does he get angry if meals are late, or food isn't just right? no
Does he take over when you are having trouble doing something whether you want to or not? no
When he is hurt, does he act angry instead? no
Does he silently sulk when angry? idk i suppose sometimes since he doesnt always let me know his feelings
Does he ridicule you for being stupid, or for characteristics that are typical of women? um i know he knows i have my dumb moments
Do you like yourself less than usual when you have been with him? no
Has he spent time in jail? no
Was he abused as a child? yeah.
Does he sometimes put you on a pedestal, saying he doesn't deserve you? no
Are there some qualities you especially like about yourself that he disapproves of or ridicules? no
When you have acted independently, has he called you a "woman libber" or "dyke"? no
Has he been in fist fights or hit other women he's been involved with? idk consentually, im sure... idk other wise
Has he ignored your feelings? he has before yeah
Has he continually criticized you, called you names, or shouted at you? mmmmyeah he calls his slut and whore mmmmm
Has he ridiculed or insulted your religion, race, heritage, or class? no
Has he withheld approval, appreciation, or affection as punishment? no
Does he insult your friends and family? friends and family, sometimes but he knows what they like sooo yaaaaah
Does he humiliate you in private or public? in private yes ;) public no
Does he refuse to socialize with you? no
Does he try to keep you from working? i wish he would i hate my job lol but i love my patients and taking care of them
Does he try to control your money? omg yesssssss
Does he try to make all the decisions? not ALL of them
Does he make excuses for not working? no
Is it all right to spend your money but not his? no i spend his monaaaay.
Does his punishment of children seem excessive? ive never seen him punish a kid but hes pretty level headed about shit like that
Does he tell you about past affairs? whats that mean? like past things he has done? or like past cheating? cuz he USE to talk about things he has done in the past that i personally wouldnt share with others and ive talked to people about it and they say they wouldnt either because personal things you do with other people are suppose to be between you and that person.. but i think hes figured out i dont really care about what hes done and sort of disapprove of his actions when it comes to relationships and how quickly he does things which sorta of makes me feel like he doesn't value parts of relationships cuz he gets to them and moves on from them so fast. idk he knows to keep his dirty thoughts about exs and things he has done to himself now.
Is he abusive to pets? no
Does he tell anti-woman jokes or make demeaning remarks about women? no
Does he treat women as sex objects? mmmm sometimes he treats me that way ;) not nearly enough though
Does he get jealous and assume you would have sex with anyone? no
Has he publicly shown sexual interest in other women? no
Does he call you names like "whore" or "frigid"? yes he calls me a whore a lotttttttt
Has he had affairs after agreeing to a monogamous relationship? no
Does he assume the right to control how you live and behave? mostly
Do you rehearse what you will say so as not to make him angry? i rehearse everything im going to say to everyone just because im a planner and like to plan things out
Does he bewilder you by switching from charm to rage without warning? no
Do you often feel confused, off balance or inadequate with him? no
Does he blame you for everything that goes wrong? no
Do you fear his reactions? no




so I think you're suppose to say No to all of these. Which I oviously said yes to some... lol but some don't make sense to say no to if you're in a D/s relationship... helllooo... ??? Anyway. I think it's safe to say that I'm not in a horrible bad abusive relationship!

YAY!!!!

lol ok. im going to go shower now.

aggravated and horny

LIKE USUAL, SO WHATEVER.

So T thinks I'm self-centered. And it use to bother me, but I'm starting to really not care (hah, I guess it's the self-centeredness of me showing itself). Like this morning he basically said that I only care about my own feelings and think about myself and don't care about his feelings. You know, I'd care about you feelings if you'd actually let me know what they are. When I'm mad I like to vent or be left alone. And you know what, that's exactly what T likes too, whether he realizes it or not. I always listen to what he has to say, and no he doesn't get a lot of time alone when I'm home with him (shit we get like 4 hours a day together where we aren't tired as fuck, of course I want to spend that time with him) and usually when he rushes me to bed and on his weekends he gets to be alone because I'm at work. And plus, he doesn't let me know when he is upset a lot of the time (unless he is bitching about it) and when I ask if something is wrong it's always "eh nothing" and I usually do push and I get the same response. So what the fuck am I suppose to do? He has told me many times he isn't a mind reader, and aha neither am I. If you want me to do something sweet and special for you because you're upset well let me know you're upset once and awhile. And what am I suppose to do for you anyway. I can't go anywhere and get you anything. I can't surprise you with something I know you like, like starbucks. I clean? And you don't care. I cook, and it's expected..... ummmm I give head way more then I get laid so what the fuck? I listen when you vent and when you put yourself down I tell you it isn't true cuz its not, I always cuddle. You never ask for backrubs and when you do I give them. I wash you down in the shower like 90% of the time when I get in there. All day my day is T T T T T T T T T T. I make sure the apartment doesn't look like shit, I make you something to eat, I kiss you and cuddle with you and ask you how your day was and I bring you something to drink if you ask, I bring you your food, when we go grocery shopping I always buy things you say you like, I count down and wait all day for you to be home, at work I try and text you and call you all day to talk to you. Holy shit my life revolves around T. But wait.. I'm self-centered aren't I? Yeah fuck you for saying that. The only thing you have is the fact that I refuse and bitch about giving head. Because I'm sorry but when I'm all over you stripping you down sucking you to get you hard SO YOU CAN FUCK ME.. and you just lay there like a lazy fucking asshole and do nothing for me the whole time it gets lame. A lot of the time when I suck your dick its to get you hard so you can fuck me, not because I just want dick in my mouth, I already get it shoved in my mouth enough with out having to initiate that myself so what the fuck. And our sex gets sort of boring. I always say do more do what you want but if you did what you really wanted you'd get off of me and lay the fuck down and shove my head in your crotch, so whaaaaaat the hell ever. You don't really want to fuck me you're not sexually attracted to me and thats not changing obviously. so lets bring someone else in so I can have the boring sex and he can have fun with her. GOOD FUCKING IDEA.

I had a crazy dream last night.

T and I were at his dads house (they don't live in a house for starters lol) and I went across the street to get a basketball (why???) and some of the people over there (I don't know who they are) and they pissed off 394314891 bees so I ran in their house and was trying to call T to help me and he didn't answer. So I run over and get in his car and he gets in and I tell him whats going on.... so his dad comes out and takes a hose and kills all the bees.. so T feels the need to put the windows down..and I flip out because I still see bees.. and T ignores me (idk why??) and takes the keys out of the car (and the windows are down) and goes inside his dads house. And I've never really met any of them so I didn't want to walk inside so as he is walking back inside I scream "FUCK YOU!!!" and he doesn't notice so I go inside and start looking around and eat chocolate covered pretzels... and thats it? Lol I know, wow.

Bad mood. Trying to recover from it.

T generally lets me do what I want with almost everything that has to do with our lives. I've been thinking about that deeply and have gone through a roller coaster of emotions about it. Is that bad? Good? Does that mean he trusts me enough to know whats best for us? Does this make me controlling? Does he want to control this? And me at all besides sexually? Should I just go about how I do things and trust that if T wants it done differently that he is actually going to tell me he is? Because a lot of the time I feel like he just lets me do whatever because it's easier. That nothing actually goes his way. I don't even feel like he has his own sort of way of doing anything, does this make sense? Is it understandable for me, someone who is making an effort to be someone elses submissive, would be bothered and upset about this? That although the way things are working out now are working out generally well, but I am still unhappy about the situation because I had made every single decision on how everything was going to get done? Does this make sense? I don't even know what to do. T can tell me "you started this, you came up with the idea, you're controlling it all, for me" but is it really for him? Because a lot of things we do or don't seem to be for me, not him. And it's just upsetting me and bothering me a lot. I don't feel like this is a true BDSM relationship if that's the way this really is. It's like a mock BDSM relationship, like we are really vanillas who want kinky sex stuff so we try and pretend like our everyday life is also BDSM. With thinking about all that I also wrote T this. I just need to figure out what T fucking wants.





Dear T,

I’ve written you several letters today. Some I was crying while writing, some I was pissed, some I was trying to act understanding, some I listed things that I feel aren’t up to par at the moment. Some I made threats in, some I made deals in, some I gave up in. I’ve been having bad anxiety today because I fear for our future. This is why I am writing this as my last and final draft, it’s clear, understandable, and not irrational.

I recently went through Outlook and simplified everything. I pushed everything to the weekends (whether it’s due date was during the week or not), and unless it’s “you’re going to die on Tuesday” everything that needs to be done, regardless of its actual due date, will be put on a Saturday or a Sunday. The only things that should be found during the week is when rent is due, when money is routinely hitting our account, appointments and trash. I did this because after your 10 hour day you coming home, looking at Outlook and running back out to do the things you need to do that day is unrealistic and I need to let that go because it’s unfair. I know you’ve known this is unfair which is why you simply haven’t been doing it, and it is really upsetting that you didn’t take control of that and tell me to change it to something that would suit you better. That I had to get upset and worry until I figured out a solution myself, even though you apparently already had one.

Honestly, I know that Outlook and the lists are primarily for me. It’s actually upsetting when I think about that, which is why although Outlook has been working out decently, I’m still upset with the situation. I am supposed to be you’re submissive, yet you’re still changing how you would typically do things to accommodate me, not yourself. On the other hand as my Dominant I feel that you should be also providing what I need to be able to focus on you and be a submissive. Am I wrong in this statement? And one thing I very badly need is some type of routine or system as to how we handle things we need to do in our lives, so that I am focusing on you and not stressing about things that you are suppose to be handling. Which is why I was ecstatic when you came up with Outlook, and greatly disappointed when you would write things down and never do them or just forget something altogether. So I took it upon myself (which also upsets me) to write them for you and recently and finally figured out where to put them to ensure that you’ll be able to see it and get it done. This upsets me because I’m controlling things. I don’t want to. If you were to tell me I needed to do this for you, it would be different. But instead, you let me do whatever, and I’m reminded that this is all for me and you just don’t really care.

I’m a very simple person, I think at least. Our lives would be wonderful if I could just be your submissive and nothing more. Clean, cook, track Outlook and the lists… do my school work and go to my job twice a week. And you working full time, tracking you own school... Would just know and do the things you needed to in Outlook and have them done without me ever having to worry or think about whether you actually did it or if you will do it. Life would be just fine. But that’s what *I* want. That’s not what my MASTER wants. That’s what makes it imperfect and unsatisfying. It’s all for me, nothing for you. And I don’t know what to do about it.

Get rid of Outlook? The lists? Just hope that you’ll remember to get my IPOD out of the pawn shop or take me to Kroger to get the money from Western Union? I mean, writing it down in Outlook isn’t making you do it anymore then just hoping you do it, right? But I shouldn’t hope. In theory I should just forget about my IPOD and about the 250 dollars waiting for us. And if you NEVER take care of those things, as you’re submissive, I should accept that. Or should I remind you? And how many times, once or twice? Three times? When will that start to feel like I’m a nagging girlfriend?

Do you see my problem?