. I'm upset, obviously. And I was(am) trying to make an effort in the relationship, and I have before and given up before. And the reasons I've given up is because I don't feel like T tries. He acts like he is going to, and then he fails in some areas (usually the ones that matter most to me) and succeeds in other areas and constantly talks about those areas and how he tries so hard, and I just don't feel it. Maybe that makes me an insane bitch. I don't know. A lot of things are really getting to me right now.
My issues:
-I act like a brat
-When I don't feel like doing something I generally don't
-I don't like change
-I really like to be organized, and stress when things aren't
-When things are going badly I get extremely upset
What I'm trying to do to fix my issues (it's only been 4-5 days and yes I already feel like giving up and I will explain that in this too.):
-I've been trying to be more positive and not complain about little things that go wrong daily.
-When T wants head (which is what I mean about when I don't feel like doing something I don't. I'm talking about head, because that's the only thing I feel that T has ever expected out of me BDSM wise at least, besides wanting me to be nice all the time even when I feel like my submissive needs are never met, which is a big reason why I would always more or less say fuck you when he would try and make me give him head, I never feel like I'm being used or that I'm serving anyone and every time I put the illusion in my head that things I'm doing are for him.. he eventually bring me back to reality that everything I do is for myself not him.. because he doesn't want anything but head) I tell him whether I want to or not and accept his decision either way.
-I'm trying to accept change. I had a bad moment when he wanted to go to a restaurant I had never been to before. But instead of holding my ground and ruining the night like I usually do, I gave in... went into the bathroom and calmed down and then had a nice night with T.
-Here is where I just want to give up. I like to be organized. T started work last Wednesday. I thought everything was going to go back to normal, except better because we had figured out how to compromise on T's lack of remembering how to be responsible for things. Outlook! Wednesday while he was gone all day I had the Apartment looking perfect (for him, but then he reminded me how it's just for me), and I had Outlook set up for the next 3 months, and I put make up on, did my hair, and had dinner ready for him. Thursday and Friday he seemed to have disregarded Outlook. We had bills to be paid.. and I figured he just wanted to be with me and relax when he got home and that he would do it on the weekend. Wrong. I'm still debating whether he even looked at Outlook at all this weekend. Saturday night, yes, he did do a load of laundry for me and I appreciated it very much. But on Saturday he admitted all he did was touch his cock and eat sushi. It annoyed me slightly but I just figured he really needed a day like that after is Hilton Country Club Call Center job he had just got done working at the last 3 days (eh whatever). I figured he'll probably get things done on Sunday. I called him Sunday mid-day and he admitted to still having done nothing.. and I slipped in some reminders (which aggravated me a lot to do because he should have been looking at Outlook) and tried to brush it off that I had to do that, even though Outlooks purpose was to prevent me from feeling like I needed to. He realized that he couldn't get his car checked because it was Sunday and he took the trash out. And I may be wrong but I think that's all he did. He couldn't walk the printer downstairs to the lady who let him borrow it (he actually tried to put that on me today, which also added to the small amount of built up anger that I've had for the last 3 days), he couldn't pay two bills online while he sat on the computer most of the day, despite that fact that I told him Friday we got a notice from Insight saying they were going to cut us off and if they do there are going to be added fees, and he didn't go to the grocery store (which I don't mind going with him. It just would have been nice if he would get the items for me, while I keep track and use those items to make food/keep this place clean for
But instead on focusing on that one major thing that I ask of him, he doesn't. I'm trying to (even though he said we aren't in a BDSM relationship) be submissive to him and focus on working 2 days a week, cleaning, cooking, school, and making him happy. BUT I CAN'T I can't focus on what I need to do because I have to focus on everything T needs to do because he won't do it himself. And I'm never going to be able to fully submit to him and let go of things if he can't keep his promises. That's all I wanted from him was to keep track of things, and when he brought up Outlook I thought things were really going to change. Wrong, wrong and wrong. But every time I mention this he lists off everything he does for me.
-Cuddles
-Gets me chocolate
-Lets me buy things when I ask for it
-Takes showers with me
-???? I don't even know what else.. because
IT'S NOT WHAT MAKES ME WANT TO BE A SUBMISSIVE AND LET GO FOR HIM. And he doesn't understand this!!!! I love cuddling, yes.. and he buys me chocolate.. great... if I could drive I'd buy myself chocolate.. He takes showers with me because I like to be close to him... okay great.. None of that makes me want to submit to him. Him taking control of our bank account (and I don't just mean telling me no I can't have Salted Vinegar Chips, I mean PAYING OUR BILLS with out me having to say something and write it out on Outlook 6 times!!! I should only have to write it once and him go "oh yeah" and do it!!!!), him working twice as much as me (which he now does and I am very happy that he has a job and I know he is a lot happier because of it!), him using me.. and I don't mean shoving my head in his crotch. Yes I feel used but it makes me feel bad about myself when he would just rather lay back and close his eyes while I suck his dick every single day...playing with me once and awhile will not only make me feel wanted but it makes me feel like hes actually sexually attracted to me... I want to be played with and feel like I am purposeful and that he is getting his needs out on me.... in the last near six months I can remember every "play session" we've had.. because we've had such few.. and I also remember every single time being the one that initiated it when he probably would have just tried to get me to give him head, and that hurts and yeah does build up anger and that should be more understood. I'm never actually put in my place as a submissive either (and that's not because I refuse punishments, and the reason I refuse them is because I'm not in a submissive mindset anyway because of the lack of feeling/reminder that I am even suppose to be one for him!), and.... I don't know.
I'm getting so upset now. The reason I am writing this is not to bitch or threaten or be mean or give up.... it's because if T would truly understand all of this, and not be lazy and actually work at using Outlook and work on being a Dominant 24/7 if he wants me to be his submissive 24/7 (because right now I feel like what he wants from BDSM is a 24/7 submissive, but he only has to be Dominant 15-30 minutes a day when hes shoving his cock in my face), and stop thinking that I am so shallow that chocolate and cuddling is going to make me feel submissive and really start emotionally and physically treating me the way I want so that I can be his submissive, if that would just all magically happen and work out.... I know we'd be together for a long time and our relationship would be better then either of us has ever imagined. And what scares me is that I don't think T has the real drive or even want to do it. I think at this point it's just all given up. Like this is all being figured out too late. He can just find another girl who will feel submissive even when she isn't being treated like one. And he wont have to work as hard as he would have to in this relationship. That scares me and hurts me and it's taken me almost 2 hours to write this just because I keep crying and I can't see to type... I just wish that T would put in as much effort as I am trying to right now. I know he said that it's my turn to save this.... but I don't agree. In the past he didn't do anything (anything permanent at least) to save this except think that simple materialistic things would be enough to make me happy and make promises he hasn't really kept. We both need to make a real effort. Every real BDSM blog I've ever read all those couples struggle but the difference between theirs and our relationship is that they try as hard as they can. T says he does and has tried.. but.. I just don't fully agree... and that may make him mad or hurt him.. but like I said chocolate and cuddling isn't going to make everything better. Real effort needs to be put in.
T, this is for you to read... and I want you to tell me what you think. I'm not being irrational, and I'm not trying to bullshit anything. I'm trying to be real. I'm trying to save this and be with you because I love you more then anything, and I mean that. I just want to know if your willing to make a real effort with me. Because this really is our last shot.
Marie
